I ran out of love.

I grumbled to God why is this so, and I don't understand his reply.

I only trust that He knows what's best, because I'm now lost somewhere between hanging on to faith and wondering why do I even bother. In the face of surmounting evidences and reasons indeed, but somehow I don't feel the urge from my heart to want to return.

Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I've tipped beyond the point of running on my own strength, and then realizing, perhaps I could just be allowed to do so on my own. Somewhere in my heart, I know its wrong, but I don't know how to remedy that. Its the kind of weakness you'll never want to admit. Not for the sake of ego and all i think.

Now this is so depressing stuff.

But for one moment, to be thankful for the things that have happened in life thus far. University is, wonderful. Maybe. Could be that the elation of the ending of the final exams is still settling in and that I find that life has a meaning once again now. Looking back, the friendships that budded seemingly out of nowhere, shows a promising light. Whereas those of the past seems to have taken a backseat a little, seeing that most of us are out there forging another world of our own.

The knowledge we gained, while awfully dreadful, is meant to serve a higher purpose after all. Certainly there are times I question my own resolve to maintain this path of study, at the very fundamental level of itself; I dislike math. But I love solving the problems. And all the more, I love being curious. And since I have been placed in this place, I might as well excel in it. More importantly, I need to find back the God-loving, excellence-seeking Chen Yang from those years ago.

What better than to do that surrounded by people who accepts your belonging amongst?

Each time I find myself recording another milestone here, pondering about what really went on between the previous post and this, then did it really occur to me the true reality of how quickly time passes when you're not paying attention.

Or was it because there was a flurry of activities that was packed in this period that I felt it was a relief to have it pass over?

Lets see, there was Chingay, and then the job stint at Hougang Pharmacy, and the NDP project. Then came involvement in NUS camps and Rag and everything else became a quick blur because everyday was packed full.

While I'm not inclined to think too much about the negative parts of them, but really, this period of time I made a whole lot of friends and found my social circle being flipped one round over. So much so that when it comes down to deciding which circle to totally commit to, there's the conflict of interest between the groups.

Ok, lets just put it that I'm the kind who wants the pie and eat some of it. Although now to think, I'm making a big mess of it for being not focussed on the important tasks at hand. It quite disappointing to find out that the best that you could give, was not adequate to ensure that things run, even more so knowing that its your heart you cant trust to take you to success. The very act of following the desires of your heart, leads to you becoming the jerk in the eyes of many.

But my intent is pure, I still want to be the good guy. But in this time and age, trying too hard to be that isnt reallly going to get you very far in society. I'm struggling to get over the past mistakes and not be overly concerned with the disapproving glares of others.

So in this start of a new term, a new segment in life, may it be that something meaningful will come out of this. A new kind of experience that promises yet more challenge and a whole lot more of adventure. Maybe then, somewhere, I will find it.

So i thought it be proper to write something down in this important crossroads in life.

Or so i think, save the fact that i'm next to worn out by the weeks and months of involvement in chingay. Not that i'm complaining though; it had been a monumental decision to sign up, but i guess what's different this time round is that now there's so much more than it meets the eye.

If anything learnt, I'll say, one should not take the small little things in each event for granted.

Oh wells, so it goes. My, what, near to 2 years of youth. Pooof, and its gone. What i got was a life changing experience, little thanks to the previous generations. Maybe i was inclined to be passive in this period, but always on the top of the list was to make this time worthwhile. No matter what i was supposed to do.

I feared, i passed, i endured, and i enjoyed this time. Not everything in life has to be gain afterall.

But what's in store for me in this next segment of life, it could be half a year lull, or it could mean the opportunity for another adventure. When i'm done with it, lets not be greedy alright. One step at a time.

God grant me the courage to meet these new challenges, and the opportunities not to be missed.

For now, Chingay comes. who has the heart to care about what ord?

Wow.

It always feels good to sit down and start pondering over the events of each period of life. And more aptly so since a threshold was just passed.

I never really thought much about birthdays, until now. When the love was low and the friends were few, that when i think one can really feel the moment of joy when blessings are piled on.

I'll learn to love this moment after my return to normalcy.

And since i'm here as well....

Its near to the end of all that nonsense this year represented. But still, looking back, we've all grown. To each our own ways, we let go of the former immaturity and take up new challenges. We fall, we get slapped, we walk through the depths of the valleys and we've seen the sky, ultimately, we've grown.

I'm not about to say how much or how little, but a simple fact that as i look at the year that will come to a closure soon, i'm glad at the choices i've made. I've been to Chingay and i'm back in there again. I've picked up my Japanese, i've made my presense felt. And most importantly, I'm back with God again.

Though i'm terribly unfit now, but wells, that can wait:P

The trip overseas with the cell brought much to mind, and soon there'll be more to come. So guess i should see the day again when my heart is healed. Then, the funs truly begins.

I not going to say time passes fast, well at least for this stage. At least its not dreadful like it used to be. Heh on the contrary, I'm limitless thankful for the series of events that happened that brings me to where i am now.

There's time to think, there's time to play, and there's time to pursue an alternative dream.
(save for the fact that there isn't discipline to keep fit).

I know, the experiences in volunteering, be it in the recent Chingay 2010 or otherwise, has helped to widen my view and capacity. Youth and young adults we are, but there's this thought at the back of my mind that we're all growing older.
No longer are we the innocent younglings who remain at our spot waiting to be taught, waiting to be led, to be influenced.

Instead, i find myself in a place where i need to teach, to lead, to bring across an ideology to the sub-generation before me. And to still remain teachable, and guided, a tricky balance that we do not fall for contempt to that of those who have more to teach than us.

Or so to say, those who are younger, but yet achieved more in this stage. I struggled in this before, and not forgetting the grace that brought me here, there wont be so much a full-blown jealously. Maybe a tinge of envy, and with it brings a whole surge of motivation to work towards a higher goal.

Yes there are friends whom i crossed paths with that has brought me a lot of motivation.

Youths we were, and perhaps, still vaguely so. Isnt it time to for us to have revelation of what our future will be like? Beyond the university degrees and job prospects? What is your dream, one that will ultimately define how you lived your life? Should we have started earlier to maintain a headstart advantage to our peers? Or do we stay on and learn more before emabarking on an adventure of our own?

I cant say for sure, but God in his wisdom has His plans for us all.

I guess TT was right. Its nice to have something to mark each stage in life so that theres something you could look back upon and laugh upon it.

It serves too to remind ourselves of the lessons learnt and how to help others in future when they too go through their share of troubles, just like how you received help from others in your own time.


So much have passed and i dont have much to remember it for. Other than the constant reminder of the so many new friends who crossed path with me, its a comforting thought.
Yet with the abundance of time of this 2 year lull in life, we ought to take full use of this opportunity to pickup what we've lost.

To realign those young ambition which seemed to far away not so long ago.

Maybe, but after it wasnt meant for other people to know about anyway. So whats the point of blogging in the public?

Regurgitating words that comes through the mind so others or yourself next time could analyse your state of mind now. I think thats what happening to me. haha

And slowly time is to drift away, again another crossroad was taken.
Just that this time , it was a little disappointment. Well not exactly demoralising, i do welcome that feeling of worth that comes along with it.

BMT passed with a high, an exhilarating finish, and an even better block leave that made me feel like a civilian again. Haha

Random panic seizures about the uncertainties grips me, often leave me wondering about my own capacity to achieve what i set out to do. And relying on raw perseverance and idealogy alone is not going to work everytime. Tested and proven NOT to work. Just look at how many times have I fallen to that temptation.

A reminder to myself to stay firm in that belief, and, always looking toward the liberation of this kind of life. Yea though its our turn to serve NS, though we all promise to do our best to be leaders to be great soldiers to be role models, we just cant wait for it to go away and never come back.

Shooo

Wasnt it all well lived, the month or so time spent in the other world. Well at least that other island felt like a world of its own. It can get pretty hard to cope had it not been the constant encouragement both given and received. Though this is still in its early stage of formation, not battle hardened, its hard to say whether we will last as lifelong brothers, or just a memory that struggles to be maintained.


Safe to say, I'm coping well. Perhaps just need to pick up that outspokened side of me so as to maximise the time in there. No point living it all low-profile and let the time pass by is it?

On another note, movie at Eugene's place , Men of Honour, brought up my bugging matter at hand.

Do i really want a place in the navy?
Do i really know what i'm getting into.

I'm trapped in a passivity, knowing that nothing much i could do to affect the probability of really making it to the Navy, or for that case, qualify for OCS would be a more tangible goal to aim, and continue down the path from there.
Still there's that colour vision test to pass, which is another story on its own.

God willing, I can. Otherwise, there's no talk about it.

Here it comes, another crossroad in life. Sneaked up on me so quickly that i didnt notice.

Yesterday i saw my last of my little island. Now its time to swap it for another island, one that, doesnt promise to be that all fun and frolic.
Still its not so daunting after all. Keeping in mind that i'm just one of the lost many that would have to go through the same situation, its somewhat comforting to know that unknown batches have came and went without much hiccups.

So its time i set my own things right, and once again to challenge myself in this new environment.
Even if it means i'll void my life once again.
And this time, i go without a burden.

So i rested , hanged around, and for that once more , to sit down and think again.

And results day , was just , a lil epilogue of the journey. Yes it was fufilling , but not satisfying. What could have been that future, because i wont deny that a part of me desires for something more, something that puts me in that higher order , or level , or whatever of life. NO i'm not noble , no i dont think that i am that high above others. Maybe its just because i've been away from my own heart for so long, addressing issues that doesnt concern me, i'm neglecting myself.

So ouch, i've been shot, literally , yet i'm glad it hurt me just enough to put some sense into myself. Being considerate of how others might think, or might feel, as a direct consequence of my own actions. Draw back and hold your own line they say, yes it might just work. After all time isnt a lot left for me . About 3 weeks to enlistment, thought i should just set things right before this season is over.


Back to the point of future, there's that university applications to consider. Same case as when choosing JC, i hit the borderline of what i wanted , and then , in faith , let God be the one to choose my path. While not always feasible , at least there's this rear-end sercurity comfort that makes worth its while.

While my own obnoxious behaviour of indecisive past still haunts my resolution, lets hope that this time , since the choice of course could well determine the career path, let it be guided again .

Let God guide me again .



I'm returning home .

There's no running away , there's no point running away , so have courage in the face of it. LIke what they said , 123 days after the end of the last paper, our journey through education of this level will finally close.
One that , with all faith , may bring a relief and joy, of a brighter future. Though too early to speak as of , i guess no amount of intentional distraction from that reality would work . Result comes.

And all those endless days of working , is just, just another add-on to that ultimate aim. While education may not just be for the sake of securing that job prospect , choosing the career path, it does mean as a challenge on a personal level, of how high up can you stand up to against tens of thousands of peers , using a fair and equal gauge.

My heart may fail , but it does not yield .

Time for that long due breather, busy busy much since last month, from the awesome flowers fest where everyone gave in a portion of our lives to the event. Then the genting trip to reward ourselves with a little bit of busy entertainment.

Yeps a new chapter opens up , with that little island in mind, though this may be one of those short lived memories. And a time where the changeover, letting go of the past hurts and growup once more , learning from this fall that, my own strength was actually so limited.
Trusting that this is part of a divine plan , so that there be a worth in all these that i do.

I start from scratch again , but that, that was my passion.

I just hope, if possible, that i'm still perceived as the good guy, because ultimately i dont intend to casue deliberate hurt to anyone, stranger or friend.

And in times where the wounded is to be picked up and tended to , i dont try to stab him down. That is my principal, my promise to myself, that'll i always align myself with the light side, if only ever there was a clear line betweeen.

I still care.

Perhaps yea , now its what feels like being an adult.

Haha , not in the practical sense , but just feels like. Being responsible for every action , even if it means ending up some days a jobless street bum, or the sting of full-costs of transportation. Walking along the road couple days back got me thinking. No school , no teachers , no classmates to be accountable for. I'm just like anyone along the street, an adult?

It seems so much to be suddenly heaped with that knowledge. Even more so having spent the first half of the month immobilised by those darn mosquitoes, and missing out on those little events.


Its kind of like being left out of something big. Something that hits me particularly hard, and its not going away with time. Changes that occurred without me being witness to the transition, and thrown out into the reality, facing it like strangers do. No longer having that same old sense of belonging to my old people, and like the past, its had been.



People you spend too much time with, turns strangers overnight. Not literally strangers , just , a realization that i dont know others as much as i'm supposed to, a barrier of sorts hindering that vital communication .

And frankly what happened today proved my own point. Surprisingly , i'm more inclined to speak with strangers , more at peace in talking with acquaintances than i would be comfortable in speaking with the supposedly closest bunch of friends around me.
That for some reason, a conversation with one that's not familiar with , we all tend to put on the most polite faces , presenting the most pleasant side of ourselves, and being more open to sharing information of ourselves , albeit superficial.

And not, living in a pre-formed paradox of other's behaviours , and others to us.
Being around "close" friends , it seems like a normal thing to do to think that we know best how to interpret their behaviour and mood status.
And that pretty much , destroys the whole purpose of being friends.

I'm working on it , but i can only change my thinking, and influencing others, doesnt sound like my field. Nopes.

Where do i start ?


This kind of end of year period where there's a lot to reflect about, and put a proper finishing sentence to the whole year, however well lived or regretful it may have been.
If i was to really bunch up the two years in jc together as one distinct period of my life, certainly there's this whole chunk of missing pieces something that i frown upon even myself.

Something has led me to think along this line, because it was in this two years that i jolted off active attendance in church, and it wasnt really quite what i was thinking of.

Its not that being in church automatically makes one somewhat more sanctified, but certain values and messages did shape my life and uphold the morality and conscience which i took for granted. Thus began the slip from grace, deteriorating inner strength, and a growing dissatisfaction that never had been. No, i'm saying Canoeing in this two years did, and had been a source of motivation to me, and a great growing experience, but i knew, i just knew , i was missing out on something.

Only recently was it revealed to me, by constant interaction and exchanges of opinions, since i do admit i cant see much of my own negative side, that i'm becoming the very monster that i swore to defeat.

Say that again?

My fantasy tale was never true to begin with. There was no knight-in-shining-armour story, I was the very monster that i never thought could be. Struggling with those inner conflicts and temptations, eroded morality, faded conscience. Its a kind of closure for this two year episode , one that i thought i was fighting an formidable opponent out of chivalry? Dream on.

But i know, at least i know now.

So i yield, not as a defeated warrior, but because i finally see the greater picture, the bigger story, and where exactly i fit in , and those are not the roles thats being right to play. Right with a purpose.

And what a relief , at least now i'm back where i belong. Still there's those broken ties and friendship thats still to be found again.
Because ultimately, to belong, is a privillege. To belong to something, someone, someplace.

Heaven is singing Tonight !
Can you hear that Heaven is singing Tonight?
City gates be open wide
Our King of Kings have come inside
Heaven is singing Tonight!




Coincidentally, thats those first line that was playing on my phone Mp3 as i was on my way home tonight, and yes , despite all those nonsense i had to go thru for today, wasted trips and wasted money, but yes! Heaven must really have been singing. (Merry christmas or happy birthday?)

Another Christmas , another commemoration , once again, its a same feeling .

Back at those two thousand years ago where they say the Angels of heaven put up a dazzling display of light. I'm trying to imagine that you know, something more glorious than auroras or fireworks, something that was put in place intentionally as a celebration. A celebration of God , in all His glory, must have been ... Wow.


And maybe its me , or maybe its just the way i felt, a sense of peace in this night. Even though the very conflicts i shunned , hated and feared , was going on, yet, overwhelming peace.
That even if it came to the worst, i knew a part of me will live on and take the challenge again.
A fight worthy of a warrior, one that would, well, bring to light all those hidden secrets and untold emotions. For once , i was able to hold it. For once , it didnt affect me the way it always did. I'm utterly grateful.


Still , its a night to behold. It feels more special than my own birthday, at least it was spent in a way more special.





Happy Birthday Jesus!! lolx

I think the problem's with me, who just cant freaking make the effort to resolve issues that doesn't really serves it purposes well.

Or just put it simply, I don't know how to.

I do admit that I'm not all that brave-hearted, not all so certain about my own central question.
We all seem to ask, "Do I have what it takes?" , and seemingly submit ourselves to seek out our own answer for it. For the validation of our manhood perhaps, or simply ego-centric mindset.

Moving fast, as we approach the final stretch of the year, maybe its time to sit down and slowly reflect of this year's goals, and what remained undone. Maybe give myself a pat on the back for things well done, and a stern reprimand for what appears to be cowardice and incompetence on my own part. Ouch

And i really do admire people who can find that inner strength to stand up for a true principle to believe in AND walk in total adherence to it. Even if it mean turning away from what seems to be the norm and expected, alienating from the wrong company , or just plain abstinence. These don't come easy.

Tearing my heart apart each time i see it, never really having enough courage for a confrontation, not in the negative sense, but for the greater good of everyone. And i hate being left out, being a bystander and onlooker , and not able to be involved, or denied the choice of involvement. Strong choice of words i know, but its just how I do some internal management of my own heart.

I rather lend my strength to whomever need it , than to see it seep away while i look helplessly.

That sucked.

So much more that have passed , a bit older now , so to say, as much as i would want to record down all t hose little side lessons learnt from life in detailed acccounts , never really having got to work untill they're just fragments of useless thoughts.

So what have passed?

Training for marathon , birthday, rotting around , Prom, marathon and the Perth trip. What do i have to say? Loads.
Not now i guess, its in the peak of the afternoon and there's something else to do. Well i made that up.
Sometimes i wonder now that A levels are over, where have everybody gone?

For everything that's yet to be done, to all as it seems, its over.

Oh yeah or so it feels like. Except for that physics mcq paper that lurks tmrw, otherwise, A levels, woh, what an end.

The finishing didnt really feel that bad, its always the period leading up to it that feels like the darkest moment. Appears to be so, since almost everyone, including myself, would try to compare how it feels like to O levels times. Same MOE thingie, same system, just 2 years apart. Makes it all the more natural to link the two periods together.

Which is more stressful? I cant tell, its all the same. Being ever optimistic seems to have its pros.


BUt otherwise, yea now thats what got me stuck in the sch library here now with pretty much nothing much better to do than walk around and do some random practice. THey say the last fight is always the most spectacular, and i agreed.
They just never said that it applies for exams, and even more not so with a weirdo time table like this . ZZZ


SCHOOL!~~~
Whatever not is there to be missed, which amounts to plenty, all those things yet to be done and faces yet to be seen and greetings not exchanged. Worries, toilings , amusement, learning, growing up .

Yea growing up.

Guess today, or tomorrow at least, walking out the school gate would hold great meanings. As when stepping into the school compound for the first time about 2 years back, we've all changed. Safe to say, we've all grown up. We've all been shaped into what we are now, its time to move on. Yea tmrw , tmrw it is.

I'll feel lost after exams, without trainings , without a team to belong to , without a purpose or timetable to follow. Yes its time , time to grow up.

This close , I guess i have nothing much to say.

Its here at the doorstep, taking on the role of a proper student again. An exam to face. THE Exam to face. While melancholy seems to dangle in the air, stress levels, long absent, transcends to stratospheric levels.

Maybe its not the stress of the exam, its the anticipation, the impact it could potentially have on our future.
Ironic it may be, for what we thought a demi-potent human, has to enslaved by paper. Literally.
Much things to care about, much more left to be done. I would have learnt to appreciative of such lifestyles , studying studying and more studying, at least there's a purpose to what we do.

If God is present in this, then let it go according to that divine plan ordained for our good. I'm tired, like , tired. I want my life back, but i don't know what kind of life would i get back.

I wish you were here with me again..