There's no holding back now , we're close , so close to finality , the one showdown that pretty much define my JC life. (A levels or A'div? choose )
The window is shutting , as i said, there's isnt time to start thinking about what we shouldnt be , despite all that grudging in the past year. Its ok , move on and be happy, maybe there'll be a another time in the future and we can try again . aiyo eh


Its a painful fall no doubt , and it takes sometime to get over with it. The sting remains to remind of that , so you'll just have to work harder.


Give your all , so expected of you.


PA race, so we fought on home ground, we could say its an advantage. Afterall , some say ( i also say) Bedok's water is heavier, more dense, for some unexplained physics theories. BUt its no excuse for letting your guard down. Its hard fought , worthy, very worthy, but its not even the tip of the iceberg. Afterall , not all schools came , its not a big event, RedSports didnt even bothered to cover it .

I did all i could with whatever i can , so i wont really blame the small little screw ups , afterall everyone do screw ups, so do the opponents. We just overcome it. So did i . OK there were ups and downs, I beat some of those whom i targeted out to beat. I held out against others who were well making out their name in the scene.
Maybe i am too . ? :P

Maybe they trembled when they saw my name in the same race list ? Ha its a nice nice dream .

Ok fine , i fought , and by a fluke or slip or scramble of luck ... i did not .. get it ... . That morning , 1st race . It struck me hard. Really hard . Hard enough for me to crush the can of drink i held as i watched the update of the score screen. Hard enough for me to rethink where i stood in this scene.

It painful, i say again , to realise that after everything's said and done, you're just not adequate .

Maybe we could complain that its not really a fair fight, not on even standings, not having a better starting advantage over. After all we use 1 1/2 years to train against most who go on at least 5 years of training.
While not saying that its nothing, hey those years count for something. And it means we have our work cut out for us. And long ago we've realised the cold hard facts .



We're fast. They're just faster . Cos they work hard. And we just have to work harder.

OH yeah we have a camp tmrw. That and again , we come to a stage in which the cycles of last year repeats again, and this time we're sitting in a different perspective. For once , we are not strangers like we used to be , this time last year. Stronger people, higher expectations, and its not really that hard to see the progress we've come by.

On a very random note, wheeeeling joined the class in the past week, and appears to be doing surprisingly well for someone who's ripped from a class whom have spent an entire year with. Being put into , well not a very lively class, and not a very hardworking class. Aye commendation goes to her for being strong!


Which when everyone's growing up, physically , emotionally as well, going through the ups and downs of life.
Random things happens all around the week. SC came to talk to me about her problems with her BF and things like that, and while i've become more than the brash childish CAT HIGH guy since the last time we met, its still doesnt feels right enough. For that i cant say anything thats somewhat useful, some cheap consolation about guy's perspective and suggestions and random comments. Bringing it closer to the heart, makes me kinda realised how prepared i am to handle issues like this.
(Note: it doesnt mean I'm gay, its just i'm not as ready as i would think i am to be)

So yah, dun take me for granted, as in , dun think i'm here forever. heh



Video analysis today !
And its quite interesting , because finally after so much viewing of toehrs paddling, doing storkes and learning technique, finally we get to see ourselves in the water from a thrid point perspective. Comparing that to the video i have of myself from last year july race, a lot have been since .

Call me ego haha, but i like to see myself paddling.

I like to see myself breaking through, i like to see a dream come to pass, that when a certain race is won, and that winner is myself. And i like to think about it, dream about it, believe in it.

I'm not the fittest around, i definitely cant run as fast as some around me can, i dun have the stamina boost, i dun have the muscle strength and endurance.

I , have a dream, and that , holds for everything i can achieve, right now, and maybe in the future.

Cos now as we look back at the time that passed , its a luminous flash , that , well doesnt really felt that it has been well lived. But its time passed nonetheless , and face the fact, time, is running out.

For schoolwork, because with each passing day mean new syllabus being taught, more homework, done or undone (or not intended to be done) comes haunting every student. And the deadline for submission for the JC life ,ie. the A levels, stalks closely behind. Not that we seek to run away from it, nor are we really looking forward to it.

Its time thats the limiting reagent.

C'mon if we could live a thousand years i'll take ten years to complete my A levels.



For canoeing too, if you would look at it this way. Its not even being about the end of the year showdown. July doesnt qualify to be end-of-year. But its our showdown, the one-and-a-half year of effort, of time , of trainings and dedication and commitment and sacrifice. Condensed into a few minutes of water time . It counts.

We saw a glimpse of it in the past few weeks, the MR 500 and NJCC , which well , I would not exactly want it to reflect my achievements. Yeah not good , but its just how things have worked out to be.


As William Hung would have put it " I have done my best and I have no regrets."


Maybe, just so maybe, i dont want to admit that my best. Afterall it sucks to be slammed with the cold hard facts that , your best is simply not enough. Not enough , not comparable to others, not significant to others. And hence the only way is to press on, flailing wildly acting like clowns, or just retreat into seclusion and train for the Gold again.


Someone once told me we from Bedok are like monks deep in meditation retreat training, in seclusion where nobody sees, nobody hears, only when we emerge from hiding and wield our weapons in the battlefield did people start realising we're a threat afterall.

That's an optimistic view, considering if anyone even bothered to think we're a threat at all. Fine neveryoumind, go on thinking that way and perhaps, if not surely, when we next emerge from the monastery we'll have something else to show.

I dont have much to talk about it, NJCC came and went and was ... was... part disgrace part honour. Disgrace because i lost a race due to a rather stupid reason i'd kick myself for that. But owing to my emotional repair mechanism , i got over it quickly , ( about as quickly as it took for me to return from the 1000m startline having been dropped the bomb by race officials). Maybe i would have cried there and then had i not been through all that wear and tear of mental hardships.
But the end of it, i shrugged and laughed it off. Next time then..

Honour , not exactly very honour, personal bests are like self deposit in the bank of your self-esteem. And breaking it feels like striking the lottery. Winning a race is like being handed interest dividend payouts.
I struck my lottery though they didnt give me any interest payouts, and well, got to make a lot of random friends on and off the water. Fine to just say that there's alot more to have been there, and the gains are the lessons learnt.



There's more to it that just being in Macritchie. Afterall we spent nearly a full month training there, enduring the strict rules, the competitive environment, bad facillities, crowded lanes and hell lot of rain and storm and that anti-climax land training from coach at the carpark.
The weird stares we get from the resident teams, the hospitality received from schools with good ties with :D , the faulty A2 shed lock , fun playing with the drain water during a heavy downpour, the damaged C2 D: .

Its part of us now, and also the fact we see how competition from rivals really looks like, and the gaps we needed to catch up, not forgoing the fact that how much we've come ahead of some others, if that is but some cheap consolation.

And its just the days in Macr.

Marathon's over. MSA's over. We start over again.

Could it be ? Lest i fail my own hopes again, that this tests shall make up for the past. Yep and i may not have done everything possible to do well, yet i did as much was in grasp to achieve, some in some out. Nonetheless its over and let it be over. Look forward to the next challenge ahead


Marathon hmm, guess its just how things turn out least expected. Notwithstanding the medals i forgone, which was in grasp, but held little purpose in doing so. Yeah it could have been my glory to claim , but that glory didnt belong to me anyway. Nevertheless the thanks goes out to all who have and did helped in one way or another to make the week so pleasant to train, race in . One way or another, its over yes, and we have probably enough time to reflect on it before moving on again.

Talk about glory,
We always say: Praise God , Glory to God etc etc... What does glory, to God, meant?

Nothing actually.


I wont be offended if someone told me the same thing i figured. Glory didnt mean anything. God doesnt need the glory; he has all that is to claim in this world and not. But it does mean to us , and it must have mattered alot to Him.

Who wouldn't mind being noticed and in the limelight for that instance when you've just done something you're proud of , achieved something worth attention, worth the applause. Maybe a article or interview in the headlines would've been nice . I would like it; it my nature and probably everyone else's too.

It's just that time and again history has proven itself reliable to predict. How many great people of their time falter in the near future cos they just couldn't get over the initial hussle. We as human probably lost too much to that little devil in the corner of our hearts called "pride"

So its not really that bad when God took the effort to instruct people to give the honour back, not to keep , but to keepsafe.



Imagine this , a budding five-year-old just won in a certain contest a large satchet of sweets and candies. And like any other five-year-old, he's probably thinking of keeping all it to himself, and down them like rice that night, afterall who could blame him? He 's won it, fair enough.
And before long , he's getting into trouble with the tummy aches that accompanies candy dinners.

So this is where the Father steps in. He reaches over to the child's bag " I'll keep that, " and promises only to give him a sweet at a time, once every two or three days. And yes the child will grow resentful , throw tantrums and fuss over everything else, uncooperative mealtimes, struggling against the hands that meant to help. But afterall its for his good.

So is the case with the glory we get from mortal kinds. We get upset whenever due glory isnt given to us. We wrinkle our eyes when we hear someone publicly honouring God for what seems like his own achievements .
BUt afterall, what our heavenly Father meant, was to keep the sweets from us , protect us from the tummyaches of life's too much honour. Just like a grown up wont need to steal sweets from kids; he could buy a barrel load if he pleased, our God doesnt need our glory. He just meant good .




So the next time we are urge to give God the glory, dont wrinkle up like its your life's possesions. It goes a long way back if we are to trace how much this could mean to us , but yes its for our good, probably, until you can convince me otherwise, that you could handle the issue of mortal pride.

Race Day. Tmrw



Something that we looked forward to, something that we spent our precious afternoons training for, something that, well, just is a common goal that all would like to see come to pass.

Afterall, didnt we pledge to uphold this name, to carve out a history that belonged uniquely to us, to claim a portion of the somewhat saturated piece of treasure that was available to whomever was willing to sacrifice time and effort of it.

Yes the week was spent, half in half out of schoolwork, pressing productivity of my internal generators; morning with the full sch routine, afternoon speeding around kallang, night back at sch with whomever is left hardworking. Cept that i was doing triple duty. heck
Back to the point, which really tests one's commitment, no wonder there are really those who break down and steps away for it. I dun really blame them.


Back with that issue, carrying a load of expectations along with me. I'm not God, I aspire towards God-like , I live as if I was an angel, but afterall ,i'm but a saint. Ok literally, but yah thats the whole point.
I'm not perfect, I dont always self motivate, there are time when i want to , felt like , almost gave up .

Holding on , because i know there are others who did their part of the work, fully expecting me to do mine so that things would work out.

Yes i know i should, but its like the saying, life is a long long marathon race, you cant always give everything you've got, or you're just a badly adapted sprinter.

So i apologise, if in anyway, my weakness , in flesh, in spirit, as ever failed to do its part.



Friday's training made me think more. So what if i was leading the rear pack ? So what if i could defend my place against another k1 challenging my position? So what if i could charge another K2 ? The gap difference is still, disastrous. Wonder how many other real competitors could fill in that gap, otherwise, my ranking is ka-boom. Crap Crap Crap.

Somewhere , somehow, i lost the fight to keep up with progress. Well like i did last year, just because i wanted to more.

That's all it meant, it doesnt have to make sense, it doesnt matter


Afterall Race Day's tmrw .

Woah new year
Another beginning we all would like to think its just nothing, its just routine, its just saying we got thru promos.

Then again everything going on ahead full force now. We're seniors ! To say the least, its always different to be seniors. Its like the unchartered waters to conquer, back when our seniors were around, we could only look while they made on their way. Once on our own ships to ride the journey of a J2 , aye it doesnt really feels much different?

Crap i realised i havent filled up my goals for the year. Aye time to sit down and do some reflection, if you havent, pls do. Because i havent, but shall do so. NO more time wasting, because i realise i didnt really did much for the past year, and hence i cant really compare what progress i would have wanted myself to go thru. 18 years old would sound more cool than 20 years old. And since most of us guys would spend our 20 year old stage away from active civilisation, thought we might as well make our impact felt now.

Trying our best, we have a whole packed schedule ahead of us, those blasted MSAs which Lee hak boon's wife probably got the idea from him or did not. Maybe that'll will change the way SA functions, haha kinda too slack in academic efforts.



OK something else to think about...

Thursday chapel service .



Here there's this 12 year old girl who;s blind from birth due to some unfortunate mishandling coming to showcase her singing talent. That besides her somewhat talented voice , its what she says , if you think it again , that made the impact


"..... I dreamt i went to heaven , there i SAW the green grass, i breathed the fresh air , i SEE angels around me ..."


If anything, that about what she said, somewhere along that line. She blind, mind you. From birth.

IF she said she saw, then what she saw must have been ... heavenly.

No cultural influence , no stereotype . Afterall what's green to a blind? How do you describe an angel to a blind person?

Its not like those kind of fat chubby children with undersize wings, holding star shaped magic wands who go about kissing people and what not.

ANGELs

How do you dream of angels from nothing? Tough time thinking, what i'll say is she saw it . she saw the real thing. Benefit of the doubt, she saw what most people wait a lifetime to get a glimspe. What beauty is that, when your mortal sight is deprived of you, and you receive a divine vision?

Its a hard choice, thankfully we never might need to make. Not that I would die without my eyes, but hey you wont see the ugly, but u also cant see the beauty in the mess.

And i'm always looking out for what the things the world can offer, somewhere to salvage how much fallen it has been. We dont get to see it everyday. But its been around since creation . So why not..

Now we have that to be , some sort of much awaited rest period that was feels good enough, letting off the tension for just awhile before embarking on a new journey.

That means: school's starting soon


We'll like to think that way, its kind of a weird way to end this year, with the companionship of a different bunch of frens.
People from different backgrounds and characteristics, forged into common identity and comeradeship by a sworn oath, that which we now call our team . ( ok we didnt swear no oaths when joining, but heck u get my point)

Christmas countdown? ALternative tactics used was to not go town anymore cos its quite senseless to go in and attacked by spray cans and gropers .
Hanged around at vivocity and sat down with portions of the team , in relative peace and tranquility ( that the right word to use?) chatted. enjoying the presence of each other, admiring the the sea scenery and night sky view, mindlessly hoping that some angels would appear from heaven and serve as a choir to complete that kind of atmosphere.

Whoever thought of that original idea of going vivo, yeah thanks for that, and stopping me from going town.
THough when going home that night i almost got chased by stray dogs :(((

Christmas Eve, really there's little point of counting down afterall, which u see many forgoing the true meaning behind it all. Cliched it may sound, but that what which was meant for is used as an excuse to party on yeah .


I dun need to say it all out, but if u still dun know what Christmas is ; GO to church.




Yupps then Christmas Day itself was spent going to church in the morn with Qian and Yong , despite everyone lacking sleep.
As was put blankly, it was good, to say the least , if otherwise right, cos its been so looooong since then.
Guess its time to find back the me i left behind here.

OH yeah random stuffs along then, on the way to church at the mrt i came across a scene of this guy talking out loud to himself. Me being me, i tried moving closer to hear it out and get an idea of what's going on.

Sounds like a nuts case, but some sort of high class nuts case. It was a man in about forties, in decent clothing, talking to thin air , advising about some sort of legal or financial business. Sounds like he's a lawyer or property investor of some sort , or he thinks he is .

That which made me think , its like , after spending a quarter of your life in education, another quarter sluggiing out in the real working world, this is what life could produce. A dark side of nature, making a man lose his purpose, that , or making him slip into a world of his own.

I thought, how does it really feel like to be in that kind of position. The world would be diffenrt, subjective, and very much restricted to his own point of view. Given the way he was arguing with "air" , sounds like he's insistent on his own ways.

Kind of a tragedy if u think of it , a great life and future spoilt by, whatever factors that led to that.

for all that the world could offer , that is

For what is training

Right so long since i posted , cos now, ha i (or rather my dad) fixed the comp, so it doesnt have so many problems.





Life is , training. Nothing else.





This holidays, despite promises to be active in church more, to study more, they don't seem to count for anything. Training.



Round Ubin came and went, of which i sank and returned. Then comes another endless routine of long distance training for the upcoming Canoe Marathon. And its , taking its toll. Losing the idea of studying in JC , sometimes i wonder what am i doing here for. Losing the idea of training, and i wonder... Why do i train for.



Why do i do things but give it up in future to replace with another impulsion interest.

Kept sane by the constant companionship of teammates, that otherwise, oh my, i realise i dun have anything else.



So now we resist anything that tries to disturb the stability of the team bond, that included those unfortunate incidences, which well, ultimately goes out to a selfish purpose.

Its not about running away from difficulties, but there's just so much that could be done in its face.



Ok fine that would just mean we'll have to move on.





Training~~~~~



Aye long dist training just means i'm left forever to chase people in front. And that what i;ve been doing, other than keeping people from chasing up to you. Thats just like any race.

Time trials, well, satisfying, but not contented.



Ahh losing track of time, since which is which training session did each event occur i cant remb.



Lets just say the Christmas break is something worth looking out for...