I know i ought to be.

The feeling's getting blunted by the recent events unfolding one after another, it'll take some time for it to come back .

There was this once when i thought i was invincible with time, that is , given that time , i could do everything and anything. Think again, because it doesnt come free. Behind that will be the untold history leading to the day.

Nats came and went , and I felt the pain.
Not for missing the mark, because to say very realistically , even at this point in time , a gold medal was a dream, one that wasnt yet to come to pass.


But the fact to miss that very personal goal , stings.


I wasnt about to throw in the towel, but natural selection at its best is a cruel killer, to the one thats being annexed out of the chain. What hurt most , is to have let down what others have held in expectations the most. It wont kill me not to sweep medals off the tally, but for the team , the teachers and everyone behind us , i failed. Failed to contribute to the score tally, failed the very value of each individual rower was to any team . Failure at semis was equilavent to failure at the start ; it didnt make any difference if they were to hold quarter finals, because a drop there , wouldnt matter if u failed right at the heats .

It was a metal claim that counts , or so to say , it was a final placing that counted points. The point being , I missed it.

No i'm not being emo , so dont try to console me because there's nothing to console over.



Race, ok race , lets put a little recount of the day.

Cameraman on tues , doing what i felt was a natural thing to me, to capture those moments from a viewpoint that would make it most valuable in memory.

Came late on wed , knowing that i'll thrash myself out later. Took a walk around the venue , abosrbing the atmosphere, having pple stare at you for various reasons ; mutual-rivalry, team-rivalry, or just simply because i was blocking their path.
Being mindful of the surroundings , sat down, and hyped myself up with music. (others say its to calm yourself down, but i came late specifically not to get too caught up and anxious that i needed to be calmed. Heck i even played the piano in the morn)

Its hard to believe its here, but guess we have to take it as it comes. Chee hao was being very relaxed, lazing around , wandering chatting and doing every other thing that racers do not do before a race. Maybe that his way to preparation. I reminded him of the plan , the quick changeover of races , and went for warmups.

The rest is history , you know what happened then , my hefty half-hearted k1 qualifying heats, jumped up the pontoon (and cut someone's queue for the weighing station) , yelled at pple to make way and hobbled to the launch bay, drank stretched , at went off for K2. Dun ask me why its so close , blame the organizers. Heck at least we made it thru heats , otherwise there'll be lots of grumbling from me .

I kinda underestimated the burnout effects of doing 2 max sets at one go . Paddling uplane only i had to ask to slow down to catch up. And from starts i couldnt channel the power like i usually do , doing only enough, if any less, to negate my own presence and hope that there's enough in CHee to last us through. No bursts , no pickups , just a cruise to finishing , on and off checking to make sure it wont end up a disaster .

It didnt, scrapped the qualifying , and well , i had to apologise to chee for that heats, at the line . It wasnt anywhere near ideal, to paddle that way. (if you had a video, you'll know why) . beautiful disgrace .

That was heats for me.

(its freaking late now , and i still want to record down more of my personal account of the events before they're gone off memmory forever . Crap on hold till tmrw)

"Winning isn't everything. It's not the most important thing, But in a race, it's the point"- Adam van Koeverden



We come so far, for one point . And it has come. Or rather, we have reached it.

When training ended today , i guess no one in any mood already to be talking any more about motivating and the likes , for that matter , at least i was not . While flashes of black-and-white still images embedded in the mind of the past events that have happened in the years leading up to now , of the times us as one team have been through , is enough to overwhelm one's senses and trigger a case of night-emo-syndrome, its a defining moment.

There are no certainties in that , anything can happen , and it probably would. There wont be a next time , "next race i'm going to focus more on this" , or " damn i should have been doing that " , for now , we have ended our time in the official training program. In short , we have graduated. What's left is our turn to prove to ourselves and others , how much have we done to deserve that fate which we will determine.

A defining moment in history, and a legacy to be left behind, in your own lives only. For down as years go by, no one will really care who would have won tmrw , (except maybe if you break world record yeah) , and batches down the road , your name would not be in the competitors rosters .

What you bring back are but memories , pictures videos and images of the past , of each others company , of laughter, of joy, of pain, of tears . When the waves calm and fears stilled , will you still remember how it felt like to be in the water ?

It is yet of time to tell , but for tmrw , we race (not all of us aye) .

We used to think it mattered , like yeah the world's pinned on your shoulders . Really ?




While the tension permeates through the air, each one's a dream of victory. And only one , one will get the public recognition of victory. But tons more , will break their own limits , then mental and physical block that was unwittingly set in place by the harshness of reality and selfishness of Man.
There will be, people to tear you down , people to wear you out . Lots of them . Take the dare and dunk them like doughnuts, and it will be soon over. I'm saying that because , we're all surrounded and protected by each other in the team , and in every other team out there the same goes.

Other schools racers , like us , share untold bonds amongst each other, each a unique story to tell. However much so we outwardly put on the fierce fighting nature we're trained to become, ultimately , one week later , for some there will be euphoria of winning , and some the disappointment of missing. But all across every school , there will be broken hearts , to finally admit the cold hard facts . It going to be over soon.

Times are going fast , and friends we are , won't last.


Before we even start to think of that , its now , all or nothing, to scale the barriers , and put this time an end , beautifully.

And so , holidays over .

That phase of training is over , and before we step into the reality of BT2 , stop while, take inventory.

Couple hours to BT2 , Couple days to Nationals , not so scary does that sound actually. For all we could prepare, whether or not were the regrets left behind , regrets of whether we could have done more or achieved more, its over. No more time for another routine, no more chance for a rematch.

And it has always been , since the start of last year we've been told to anticipate the coming of tougher times, and when finally we learn to embrace it , it not so tough after all. Slap me up if necessary, i dont feel anxious for the time being. A timely sense of peace from heaven if thats what it is , to keep me calm.

Let it come , let the block test come. Let the racers come.

And I just didnt realised i could get so tired , of the many things that seemed so significant yet meant little.

NOt saying such , but yeah , this a rare time to be training with our secret "mentor" , a rare opportunity , that was so randomly handed to us . BUt yet somehow i cant really find words to fill the gap of memory , right maybe i'm tired enough that way.

Training, racing, fuelled by maybe not passion , but an external expectation of the need to do better. Driven by ego perhaps, of not wanting to lose. NOt to teammates , not to rivals.

Do forgive me for the incoherent phrasing , things are really not up my senses , and my butt isnt really forgiving to me . Putting in a post so at least i'll remember something out of this period of time that was supposed to , well mean alot to any canoeist, but i cant find the words nor linguistic flaunts to describe.

I'm beginning to find out how little you actually meant, because i cant give out forever, more than my equal share of the offering . So well , its my long awaited time to let go , not fully , but gradually , painlessly , yet carrying a load full of lessons learnt . Wow.

Last week of term 2 .

And it seemed rather far way then , this crucial period we looked forward to in anticipation and fear. Anticipation i say, because we saw how it things would go from past year experience, only this time, we're the ones taking the shot.

Start of the june hols training, telling that its time to get over with unsettled business and go full force. Leave no room for regrets , that at the end you'll have fought the good fight of faith.

I'm looking forward to it, time trials this sat. Things happen in the past weeks that quite jittered my senses , that, i'm not quite the person i thought i am. Or rather , i'm not as good as i would want myself to be , that i had saw myself gleeming to become.

And as a team , because , they 'll probably take up the bulk of the memories of being in college. Being able to live up to expectations isnt a easy feat. I know, i live it everyday.

Tasted failures , and grew so fonder of that heart wrenching pain. When emotional trauma can transcend into physical hurt, that you quite literally feel the heart squeezed out of life. Hence that phrase was thus coined probably.

Too bad block test has have to cut our momentum, but then, its in the face of insurmountable mountain tasks , that we'll get to learn the beauty of the landscape, and the strength of your will and conviction.

So take the time once again, for i shall have to constantly remind myself for what do i keep fighting for.

There's no holding back now , we're close , so close to finality , the one showdown that pretty much define my JC life. (A levels or A'div? choose )
The window is shutting , as i said, there's isnt time to start thinking about what we shouldnt be , despite all that grudging in the past year. Its ok , move on and be happy, maybe there'll be a another time in the future and we can try again . aiyo eh


Its a painful fall no doubt , and it takes sometime to get over with it. The sting remains to remind of that , so you'll just have to work harder.


Give your all , so expected of you.


PA race, so we fought on home ground, we could say its an advantage. Afterall , some say ( i also say) Bedok's water is heavier, more dense, for some unexplained physics theories. BUt its no excuse for letting your guard down. Its hard fought , worthy, very worthy, but its not even the tip of the iceberg. Afterall , not all schools came , its not a big event, RedSports didnt even bothered to cover it .

I did all i could with whatever i can , so i wont really blame the small little screw ups , afterall everyone do screw ups, so do the opponents. We just overcome it. So did i . OK there were ups and downs, I beat some of those whom i targeted out to beat. I held out against others who were well making out their name in the scene.
Maybe i am too . ? :P

Maybe they trembled when they saw my name in the same race list ? Ha its a nice nice dream .

Ok fine , i fought , and by a fluke or slip or scramble of luck ... i did not .. get it ... . That morning , 1st race . It struck me hard. Really hard . Hard enough for me to crush the can of drink i held as i watched the update of the score screen. Hard enough for me to rethink where i stood in this scene.

It painful, i say again , to realise that after everything's said and done, you're just not adequate .

Maybe we could complain that its not really a fair fight, not on even standings, not having a better starting advantage over. After all we use 1 1/2 years to train against most who go on at least 5 years of training.
While not saying that its nothing, hey those years count for something. And it means we have our work cut out for us. And long ago we've realised the cold hard facts .



We're fast. They're just faster . Cos they work hard. And we just have to work harder.

OH yeah we have a camp tmrw. That and again , we come to a stage in which the cycles of last year repeats again, and this time we're sitting in a different perspective. For once , we are not strangers like we used to be , this time last year. Stronger people, higher expectations, and its not really that hard to see the progress we've come by.

On a very random note, wheeeeling joined the class in the past week, and appears to be doing surprisingly well for someone who's ripped from a class whom have spent an entire year with. Being put into , well not a very lively class, and not a very hardworking class. Aye commendation goes to her for being strong!


Which when everyone's growing up, physically , emotionally as well, going through the ups and downs of life.
Random things happens all around the week. SC came to talk to me about her problems with her BF and things like that, and while i've become more than the brash childish CAT HIGH guy since the last time we met, its still doesnt feels right enough. For that i cant say anything thats somewhat useful, some cheap consolation about guy's perspective and suggestions and random comments. Bringing it closer to the heart, makes me kinda realised how prepared i am to handle issues like this.
(Note: it doesnt mean I'm gay, its just i'm not as ready as i would think i am to be)

So yah, dun take me for granted, as in , dun think i'm here forever. heh



Video analysis today !
And its quite interesting , because finally after so much viewing of toehrs paddling, doing storkes and learning technique, finally we get to see ourselves in the water from a thrid point perspective. Comparing that to the video i have of myself from last year july race, a lot have been since .

Call me ego haha, but i like to see myself paddling.

I like to see myself breaking through, i like to see a dream come to pass, that when a certain race is won, and that winner is myself. And i like to think about it, dream about it, believe in it.

I'm not the fittest around, i definitely cant run as fast as some around me can, i dun have the stamina boost, i dun have the muscle strength and endurance.

I , have a dream, and that , holds for everything i can achieve, right now, and maybe in the future.