There's no running away , there's no point running away , so have courage in the face of it. LIke what they said , 123 days after the end of the last paper, our journey through education of this level will finally close.
One that , with all faith , may bring a relief and joy, of a brighter future. Though too early to speak as of , i guess no amount of intentional distraction from that reality would work . Result comes.

And all those endless days of working , is just, just another add-on to that ultimate aim. While education may not just be for the sake of securing that job prospect , choosing the career path, it does mean as a challenge on a personal level, of how high up can you stand up to against tens of thousands of peers , using a fair and equal gauge.

My heart may fail , but it does not yield .

Time for that long due breather, busy busy much since last month, from the awesome flowers fest where everyone gave in a portion of our lives to the event. Then the genting trip to reward ourselves with a little bit of busy entertainment.

Yeps a new chapter opens up , with that little island in mind, though this may be one of those short lived memories. And a time where the changeover, letting go of the past hurts and growup once more , learning from this fall that, my own strength was actually so limited.
Trusting that this is part of a divine plan , so that there be a worth in all these that i do.

I start from scratch again , but that, that was my passion.

I just hope, if possible, that i'm still perceived as the good guy, because ultimately i dont intend to casue deliberate hurt to anyone, stranger or friend.

And in times where the wounded is to be picked up and tended to , i dont try to stab him down. That is my principal, my promise to myself, that'll i always align myself with the light side, if only ever there was a clear line betweeen.

I still care.

Perhaps yea , now its what feels like being an adult.

Haha , not in the practical sense , but just feels like. Being responsible for every action , even if it means ending up some days a jobless street bum, or the sting of full-costs of transportation. Walking along the road couple days back got me thinking. No school , no teachers , no classmates to be accountable for. I'm just like anyone along the street, an adult?

It seems so much to be suddenly heaped with that knowledge. Even more so having spent the first half of the month immobilised by those darn mosquitoes, and missing out on those little events.


Its kind of like being left out of something big. Something that hits me particularly hard, and its not going away with time. Changes that occurred without me being witness to the transition, and thrown out into the reality, facing it like strangers do. No longer having that same old sense of belonging to my old people, and like the past, its had been.



People you spend too much time with, turns strangers overnight. Not literally strangers , just , a realization that i dont know others as much as i'm supposed to, a barrier of sorts hindering that vital communication .

And frankly what happened today proved my own point. Surprisingly , i'm more inclined to speak with strangers , more at peace in talking with acquaintances than i would be comfortable in speaking with the supposedly closest bunch of friends around me.
That for some reason, a conversation with one that's not familiar with , we all tend to put on the most polite faces , presenting the most pleasant side of ourselves, and being more open to sharing information of ourselves , albeit superficial.

And not, living in a pre-formed paradox of other's behaviours , and others to us.
Being around "close" friends , it seems like a normal thing to do to think that we know best how to interpret their behaviour and mood status.
And that pretty much , destroys the whole purpose of being friends.

I'm working on it , but i can only change my thinking, and influencing others, doesnt sound like my field. Nopes.

Where do i start ?


This kind of end of year period where there's a lot to reflect about, and put a proper finishing sentence to the whole year, however well lived or regretful it may have been.
If i was to really bunch up the two years in jc together as one distinct period of my life, certainly there's this whole chunk of missing pieces something that i frown upon even myself.

Something has led me to think along this line, because it was in this two years that i jolted off active attendance in church, and it wasnt really quite what i was thinking of.

Its not that being in church automatically makes one somewhat more sanctified, but certain values and messages did shape my life and uphold the morality and conscience which i took for granted. Thus began the slip from grace, deteriorating inner strength, and a growing dissatisfaction that never had been. No, i'm saying Canoeing in this two years did, and had been a source of motivation to me, and a great growing experience, but i knew, i just knew , i was missing out on something.

Only recently was it revealed to me, by constant interaction and exchanges of opinions, since i do admit i cant see much of my own negative side, that i'm becoming the very monster that i swore to defeat.

Say that again?

My fantasy tale was never true to begin with. There was no knight-in-shining-armour story, I was the very monster that i never thought could be. Struggling with those inner conflicts and temptations, eroded morality, faded conscience. Its a kind of closure for this two year episode , one that i thought i was fighting an formidable opponent out of chivalry? Dream on.

But i know, at least i know now.

So i yield, not as a defeated warrior, but because i finally see the greater picture, the bigger story, and where exactly i fit in , and those are not the roles thats being right to play. Right with a purpose.

And what a relief , at least now i'm back where i belong. Still there's those broken ties and friendship thats still to be found again.
Because ultimately, to belong, is a privillege. To belong to something, someone, someplace.

Heaven is singing Tonight !
Can you hear that Heaven is singing Tonight?
City gates be open wide
Our King of Kings have come inside
Heaven is singing Tonight!




Coincidentally, thats those first line that was playing on my phone Mp3 as i was on my way home tonight, and yes , despite all those nonsense i had to go thru for today, wasted trips and wasted money, but yes! Heaven must really have been singing. (Merry christmas or happy birthday?)

Another Christmas , another commemoration , once again, its a same feeling .

Back at those two thousand years ago where they say the Angels of heaven put up a dazzling display of light. I'm trying to imagine that you know, something more glorious than auroras or fireworks, something that was put in place intentionally as a celebration. A celebration of God , in all His glory, must have been ... Wow.


And maybe its me , or maybe its just the way i felt, a sense of peace in this night. Even though the very conflicts i shunned , hated and feared , was going on, yet, overwhelming peace.
That even if it came to the worst, i knew a part of me will live on and take the challenge again.
A fight worthy of a warrior, one that would, well, bring to light all those hidden secrets and untold emotions. For once , i was able to hold it. For once , it didnt affect me the way it always did. I'm utterly grateful.


Still , its a night to behold. It feels more special than my own birthday, at least it was spent in a way more special.





Happy Birthday Jesus!! lolx

I think the problem's with me, who just cant freaking make the effort to resolve issues that doesn't really serves it purposes well.

Or just put it simply, I don't know how to.

I do admit that I'm not all that brave-hearted, not all so certain about my own central question.
We all seem to ask, "Do I have what it takes?" , and seemingly submit ourselves to seek out our own answer for it. For the validation of our manhood perhaps, or simply ego-centric mindset.

Moving fast, as we approach the final stretch of the year, maybe its time to sit down and slowly reflect of this year's goals, and what remained undone. Maybe give myself a pat on the back for things well done, and a stern reprimand for what appears to be cowardice and incompetence on my own part. Ouch

And i really do admire people who can find that inner strength to stand up for a true principle to believe in AND walk in total adherence to it. Even if it mean turning away from what seems to be the norm and expected, alienating from the wrong company , or just plain abstinence. These don't come easy.

Tearing my heart apart each time i see it, never really having enough courage for a confrontation, not in the negative sense, but for the greater good of everyone. And i hate being left out, being a bystander and onlooker , and not able to be involved, or denied the choice of involvement. Strong choice of words i know, but its just how I do some internal management of my own heart.

I rather lend my strength to whomever need it , than to see it seep away while i look helplessly.

That sucked.

So much more that have passed , a bit older now , so to say, as much as i would want to record down all t hose little side lessons learnt from life in detailed acccounts , never really having got to work untill they're just fragments of useless thoughts.

So what have passed?

Training for marathon , birthday, rotting around , Prom, marathon and the Perth trip. What do i have to say? Loads.
Not now i guess, its in the peak of the afternoon and there's something else to do. Well i made that up.
Sometimes i wonder now that A levels are over, where have everybody gone?