Emo recovery mechanism ... lolx

Sheesh ...


Coming around the corner point of this whole mess I landed myself in , a pit dug over the years and slowly accumulating the depth till light finally was blocked off the edge .... The issue here is not church becoming boring , nor is it a struggle with the Creator .


Years before, when I first stepped over to the Light side of earth ,(ie. go to church... sry getting a little poetic ) I acted as if I was here to "set things right with God Himself", to "expand my own horizon beyond the shanty town of Bishan ", and all those politically correct model answers anyone cound think up of when questioned with the reason for having made to become christian .

Nah the root was , trying to get some healthy companionship with a different circle of friends , which , well , everything the cell group had provided for . THAT , being so , was a key restrainer that kept me staying in church so so long . Yeah I know its not really good now , but hey then was the me in sec 2 ... NOw will i understand truly how in-the-well-frog wass the days in Cat High like ... Dun get me worng I love them all , but somehow there's that something missing from the perfect kind of school life pple alll looking out for ...

Now if i were to trace the problem back , it all boiled down to this : I tried to let my frens in church overtake the importance of God himself ...
Which is why i think HE has HIS way of setting things right to its proper manner.

Its goes in a pattern ...

2004 march-Me first time go church , enjoyed myself with the old N127, hanged around with them quite a bit ... Kinda made it my way of life , too much focus on the pple and less of the main reason why i'm here ... June we multiplied , half the pple left ...

2004~2005 Around this period of time again with the relatively new cell group we had a fun time bonding ... Clicked together always and it really felt like family .... After a while the same kind of effect happen (now as i look back i realised ... at that time it wasnt so crystal clear to me )... Then came mid 2005 we multiplied again .... ONce more I see pple i grew so close to leaving ....

2006~2007 - Around this period of the year was when i was most actively serving in Usher MInistry ... Hyped up with the serving ... Every addtional logistic support duty i'll be there , every pm , conference , wateva , i'll be part of the usher crew ... Grew close to my team , to the s ection then to everyone as a whole ... Which then well , it felt as if serving in the ministry climbed on top of God to me .... Frens in the ministry were like brothers in arms ......

Present - NOw summarising all above , its was always me neglecting church for some reason that let to a period of down-ness , which help in the recovery of emotional attachments ... And its always Him initiating the recovery mechanism , to set my paths straight again ... HOwever painful the transition may be ... Cos for now sudd church feels mundane ... maybe its just another chance for me to focus back to Him again ... After this , its time to pick up where i left off again ... To mend broken relationships and reatke up posts and respondsibilities .... hahax


What I am trying to say is , hey , I'm OK ... PPle keep asking me if i am having depression after reading my previous posts ...

Priorities set right ...

Cranked out ....

My life is revolving around Canoeing ... Long time neva blogged ... so when i wanted to write something , theree wasnt anything but canoeing in my mind ... Well its good and bad ...
But given the irony things have become ... Talking with Clarence the other day made me realise this ....
By grace i was given a chance in SAJC ... (well i barely skimmed the cut-off point of 8) ... God then let me pass the Canoeing selections (which well i was quite suprised )... NOw ... I am so taken up by Canoeing that i neglect church ....
Its not that i'm complaining ... I dun resent the long and often trainings ... I love the team ... I love the sport ...

Somewhere along the line of time ... an indefinite period or point in time ... I stepped over this imaginary line ... From that time , i forgot when , the switch over was made , all that fervour , passion , that was for the church and cell group and ministry was replaced by an addiction to water ... (quite literally) ... I havent went for sunday church svc for like a month ... I havent seriously commit to Ushers and cell group for how long ...

Yong Wei, my dear usher team leader, sought me out on Sat after the svc , rather concerned about my prolonged absence ... Everyone around could sense the difference .... ChenYang have changed ... What happened man ? Beats me .... Its just not the same anymore ... Its not getting any better ... I need to make a decision on whether to stay on ... Thats what he said :"I know what u feel ... i'm not pressuring u ... At the end of your A level years , then ur army years ... TOtal 4 years ... At the 4 years , what do you see yourself as in the church ? PCGL? Ministry leader? " He hit the point... What am I gonna be ?

ON closer analysis ... Just so happens that the USHER MINISTRY GROUP 4 had to have a internal re-shuffling at the point of time i was making a transition to JC lifestyle ... NOt much of lifestyle .. Rather that the environment, the cultural shock ,the pple ...
Prior that i was all about Ushers ... Every PM , special conference , Svc , meetings etc i would be present ... Getting the hang of it ... The endless spent folding bulletins , shifting chairs , directing human traffic flow , in the carpark ... EXPO Hall 8 wat has that meant to me ?

Setting priorities ... Yeah ... I'm not gonna try to lie to myself .. There were times when i thought , maybe , just maybe , that i could let God not be the first .... WHy had I been so ready to skip church for training on Sundays ? WHy was I so reluctant to go for cell group after training on Fridays ?

Its me rambling again ... Verbal diarrhoea ... shat ... No more insipirations ... And dun worry abt me .. I'm not depressed , I'm just spitting my mind off and pondering abt my own situation

Orientation 2 aftermath

WHam...

Just so now reaching into the school holidays after the Orientation 2 , which well isnt as much fun , or in this case the felling of an orientation isnt any strong anymore ... Maybe its just us SA J1 veterans who are not as enthussiastic abt it and not really making an effort to reach and and bond with the pple ... Dun get me wrong it has nothing to do with the councillors ... They probably put in as much if not more effort for this orientation programme ... Its just that to me the whole enviroment has already blended into my system ... And that includes the pple and area ...
So going thru this orientation the most comfortable thing to do is to hang out with pple already know and play thru it ... But hey i didnt outcast the newcomers ok .....

After orientation ended some of us (07S07) met up to have supper over at one of the coffee shop which joel nicked it "chicken rice" before hopping over to macs ... Then saw Zelda our dear O1's OG24's OGL ... Brings back to remeberance the time where we first day of school ... Blur and disoriented (hence the necessity of an orientation) newcomers all of us was ... That time first day when we gathered outside the General Office in the mess of a parade of school uniforms ... PPle in all sorts of uniform sha-shaying around (well ... not really lah )... Then some one annouced : "J1s , please start heading into the cultural center!!!!"
Well at that point in time this phrase kept resounding in me ....
"J1s please start heading into the cultural center"
"J1s please start ..."
"J1s please"
"J1s"
"J1s"
"J1s!!!!!!!"
IT was like Oh my gosh ... I'm J1 !?!?!
I'm always used to the times back in scouts when we were basically ordered by level ...
"Sec 1s go fetch the equipment..."
"Sec 1s gather at the grandstand"
"Sec2s all u all KNOCK IT DOWN !!!!"
"Sec 3s tmrw all meet at 1 pm ..."
"Sec 4s whos coming down tmrw to help?..."

Bascially ... anyone with a J-prefix to their names was like a supreme being ....
So in my untested mindset I was still stuck in my eggshell ... J - the magic word ... J spells authority ...
So when that person said "J1s pls ...." it completed my initiation of the mind ... I AM A J1 ......

Looking back .... the seniors who call PAE the "honeymoon" period probably meant it straight from their heart and probably deeper from the arteries ... When we treated like we owned the school ... Fool around , sleep in lectures , class gathering , OG gathering , CCA gathering , ex-class gathering , last min copy tutorials , choosing to stone in the cafe ( remember saints its pronounced - "Kare-ffff") rather than attend lessons... I miss u all ...
And despite what many pple say , i'm not complaining ... I dun say "oei y so many pple leave" or "Sianz i got no frens staying" ... I'm relishing the memories and safe keeping them so they remain a part of my life ... So when i lookin back again after graduation i can really say "JC rawks !!!" or something like that, and still have a basis to prove my point ...

Through rain or shine... To those who say goodbye ...

Hmm

Suffice to say , I am staying in SAJC for this JAE intake ... And there are many who are not ...through those rain or shine (literally rainy days and scorching days) that we've been thru , dear OG 24 , 07S07, dun forget us that there's still this bunch that are always grateful for ur presence ... Remember , "NO one is here by Chance " I am really glad to have been ur fren ... BE it involuntarily or intentionally , this is for all those who are leaving us ... THANK YOU




(Editor's note: I'm sorry its very late now and there orientation tmrw.. i mean this morning ... Too tired to squeeze anything insipirational out of my brain...I shall continue again next time )

(Edited 10/3/07-11:32 PM)

To Pee Hua , my dear angel whom i never reciprocated her letters , now that I dun have a chance to give , yikes ... Sry lah did I deprive u of a good and sporting mortal ? Nvm but really leh i have it prepared during the final class outing that time but u left early b4 i realised it then whoops too bad ... Haha

Tired ... depressed

我很累

Very Very tired now ... the physical exhaustion has converted directly into emotional lethargic-ness .. Been running on a very busy schedule lately , balancing school , training , plus various activitiies , even though some of them may not be very necessary , (Eg . impromptu class outings ) ...

This week end shall again be burnt in Canoe training ... so was last week ... come to think of it pple like sharon and ceyong i have been seeing them everyday without fail cos of being in the same class and same cca duh ... and just so happens that both them are the cg reps ....... coincidental ?

Feeling somehow quite low , partially due to lack of sleep , partially to whatsoever reson i cant explain ... just return from cell group meeting at jaryl's ... realised that somehow , the appeal of being around the cell group some how faded along the way as time passed by ... not being so relevant anymore , cell group has become another group of pple i just so happen to know ... ARgh why is this so ? i feel so far away ... where is the old lively N127 that always was one of the most impt group of pple in my life ... where is the old CY that never fails to turn up for every meeting , outing , PM,ever enthusiastic abt church , ....

What does God and church mean to me ? how long was it since i took time out to for my personal quiet time with Him ? i cant answer , i cant find it in me ... i lost it , i failed to comprehend the rationale of the situation , its a mess , i dunno how to pick it back up , i want to walk away , shucks what is happening to my life .....

Yong wei called me the other day ... asked me if had any interest to rise up in the Usher Minstry ... come to think of it i have been in there for more than 1 year ... Some how , it isnt up to me to decide ... the me now cant handle my own timing and schedule ... how am i expected to assist in the running of the team of ushers ... argh .. had he asked me during the hols i would have snapped it up ... then time was free to me ... now it is a scarcity ... hyperinflation in time ... duh

I am losing my senses i dunno wat am i writing anymore ... good night ...

1st water training

Feeling good ...

Just had the first official Canoeing water training for J1s in the afternoon .... Which isnt really that great to talk abt but it was a good learning experience .... Rowing around the water with a standard round hulled kayak (i forgot the official model name) takes some practice really ... Cos today over there at the jurong lake park near chinese garden i kinda screwed myself up fumbling with the controls of my boat ....
I can stand here and blame the wet weather that reduced visibility , blame the park management for opening the main floodgate that caused such unstable currents in the waters , blame the coach for assigning me to a lousy boat ...
At the end of the day i have to admit that my skills kinda suck ... Cant even maintain a tight steering to keep the direction straight ... At first set off with Ceyong GuanJie ZiYonD they all with the round hulled boat ... End up i lagged at the back cos i keep moving in a zig zag direction that no amount of stern rudder efforts would keep it in place ... Attempts on course correction using sweeping turns made things worse ... End up when i looked behind when making sweep strokes i can see the path on the water my boat is taking ... Resembled a i giant "S" ... maybe that explains y i lagged cos i covered about a third more dist than the others with the irregular course .... in addition the current was strong enough to blow me off the makeshift mini jetty as i waited off the shore for my turn to disembark ... took some effort to steer it back ...

More Interesting things include trying out the T1 competition boat for the first time ... those T series boats have a narrower cockpit and deck plus a "V" shaped hull that supposed to make it more streamlined but the downside was less balance so need more skill to play with these boats , and they seemed to cost quite a lot more ... but yeowch i cap'd twice on it despite being right next to the shoreline ... disgracefull :(
The J2s were using the K series boats that were even more narrower .... so guess i should complain less and practice more next time ... duh so much for the confidence i had of rowing a boat ... its not that easy mind u ...

And yah to lighten things up ... guess wat ... i kena attack by leeches !!!! At first i first saw it while in the water helping ShiKun balancing with his T1 when i felt somethin slimy on his hull underwater ... when we flipped it over to empty water then i saw IT ... a greenish wormy abt the size of a index finger was stuck on the boat ... Zhi Hao came over and scratched it off and flicked it into the water with a paddle ... And we thought that was the last of it ... SO all this while i was barefooted inthe water ... and the water bed was muddy and rocky so i couldnt really feel anything abnormal against the rocks ... sSo when i climbed back on shore , imagine my surprise when i saw our dear green friend above my ankle ... tried slapping it off but it held on tight , and pulling at it it simply stretched its body .... So I yelled for attention and those behind who just came back came over ... miss ong who was on further on shore ran back to the store to get help ... she came back with a can of antiseptic spray and sprayed it on the creature on my leg ... when it refused to budge , we spammed the spray can till finnally the worm gave up and wriggled off ... we put it on a leaf and placed it in a plastic box from the lady in charge of the sea sports club ... said something about providing edvidence to the superiors abt the presence of leeches ... seems that i was the first case to kena leeched .... So this poor 'ol leech got his turn of life imprisonment ... so mr leech next time beforee u suck my blood , pls check the price tag ... they dun come cheap u know ...
Ms ong took a picture of the worm ... I'll try get it from her ....

CNY aftermath

UH
aftermath of CNY celebration .... NOthing much happen , cos this year there wasnt too much of visiting due to the fact that my grandfather passed away like last year then there's this taboo somewhere or another in a certain chinese law book that restrict visiting to this person that person , this and that , so I simply stayed away from wateva they do lah , i dun really bother abt all those funny customs and rituals ... As if i would give a crap .... Avoided excessive gorging otherwise i really need kowtow to the Canoe team and beg for forgiveness ...

Even so , training on wednesday felt more tough than usual , either that or really the inactivity during the break has really taken a toll on our bodies ... During the intermissonal running felt weak on the limbs , wat kept me going was a resounding phrase "when I am weak , then you are strong " thats an adaptation from 2cor12:10 i found out later , ... and it came rather random so i didnt know WTH just beared on with it .... Kinda shag off after that , and to make things worse, the warm down felt kinda sloppily done and that resulted in various cramps and aches that clinged on to me thru out today ...

But hey went home to reflect and looked up on that magic verse .... quite touched by it actually even though i had no absolutely no prior thinking of it when it came at that moment when i felt really weak (in the limbs that is ) ..The whole context might be made clearer if i list it out ....

2cor12:9 ..."My grace is sufficient for you , for my strength is made perfect in weakness"
v10 ... "therefore .... for when I am weak ,then I am strong "

So it just at that crucial moment it kept me going on .... To think of it what I have got so far its all miraculously brought to me .... Catholic high had 3 prelims for my year .... Flunked out the first 2 with results of abt L1R5 of 30 + .... Then came the last one which knocked me to my senses: with this result i dun have a future!! lolx a bit exaggerated but wth , which school to go accepts 30 pointers ?(JCs lah i mean , no intention to suan other pple but i dun have plans to go other educational pathways) ... Picked myself up and went for it .... and despite the big gap i am lagging behind by with the help of the teachers who hey was all but too glad to have finally some motivation coming from me myself ... Tag team of Mdm Ee and Mrs Tan salvaged my A maths from F9 to B3 ... Others can criticise all they want ... but to me ... they rock!!!! And after that period of time , hey dun ever think i said it was easy ... it isn't .... that period was one of the toughest to go thru in my 16 years ... (I didnt give no crap to PSLE) ... Everyday was a challenge i didnt want to go for ... every morning i wished it all that was but a nightmare that would end but no... it didnt ...

BUt after all its in always in the deepest valleys that the freshest rivers flow to ... To soak and enjoy the refreshing water u just have to go down ... And only after going down to the deepest valleys would u realise how high the the mountains are .... And after experiencing the realities of life would u appreciate how beautiful the world is ... Eh I am deviating from the topic ....


OK so as a summary and conclusion of the interesting things in this CNY (despite wat i said at the top )


1) Played lots of blackjack ... Won abt $20 against some relatives on my paternal side only to lose them all to those from my maternal side the next day :(

2) First time drank champagne ... Down one whole shot of it ... A burning sensation that begins at the throat down the gullet that lasted several mins ... after that the stomach starts radiating heat ... slight retardation of reaction for a while ....

3) Realised that onions goes well with cucumber and ketupat in satay sauce (personal opinion)

4) FOund out that there are still relatives i never seen before

5)Drank a cup of good quality expensive italian espresso at a gathering in one of the nights that kept me awake tilll abt 3 or 4 am ... Real powerful stuff but taste real good ... Better than singapore's nescafe gold roast , or those hazelnut coffee , or the mocha vanilla flavoured coffee ...

6)Didnt buy any new clothes for CNY simply because i couldnt be bothered to do so ....

7) Had intended to go go the ISTANA open house on tuesday but those zhu peng gou yous (namely benedict , edwin,borui) wanted to go play LAN ... So spent 5 hours dota-ing at azure instead of visiting Uncle NAthan's house ....

8) Realised that there are actually very little close cat high frens with me here in SAJC , (raynold leaving chunhian leaving WTH) ... occured to me cos when i went back to cat high on fri ... realised i was pretty much alone until those VJ NJ AJ gooks arrived (they kinda dominated the whole arena, most of my classmates are there ( poor me in SA , poor keeyong in NY,poor john kuan in TJ ... the few who are in RJ and HC are not worthy to be listed as "poor")

9) Ang pow money set a record low in recent years ... only $*** (due to security reasons ... the above mentioned figure has been censored)

Cant remember anymore ....

No Date ? no prob

14-02-07

V-day passes second by second as i type out word by word . The irony laughs at me in the face ... NO date ? No prob ... i dun give a crap . Maybe thats lying , I'm cowering behind a mask and shield that I am reluctant to escape from . No I'm not always happy , I'm not that ever cheerful person who carries the world on a trolley and pushes it along if it crashes. I do know wat I want , and I do feel left out .... More than once did I chance upon a close fren or acquaintance out on the street with their mates (with this i mean GFs not er-hum ) , say hi and act as if its nothing I-dun-give-no-shat 'bout this , but somewhere in me something stirs in its socket uneasily . My heart ? Maybe,maybe not , I'll be worried if it ever stopped stirring and beating . But its this hole that desires to be filled , like thirsty wanderer . Yet i dunno wat i want ... I am afraid to show it out , I'm not prepared to commit myself . For this i run , i act , i pretend , i treat it like dirt in a new showroom , clean it , cover it , hide it ... No not that i dun want , I'm just not ready .

To all those eagerly seeking a partner (i mean my age mind you ) , are u really prepared to handle something as fragile as a person's emotions? It might not necessary be yours , her heart (or his) wasn't made to effectively support the immaturity mindset and behaviour . Are u ready to lay it all down for this one shot on your *er-hum* ( is First Love a suitable word ? ) wateva
Seen alot alot of pple of who swore and promised their love only to have it trashed or have trashed it themselves later ... kinda daunts me , i dun ask for much, but a lot more for myself , my first er... wateva ... i dun wanna squander it away on an impulse ... (Am I getting very mushy here argh yeeeee )

Talk about my own V day , guess who i celebrated with ... NO ONE !!! ... Eh wait , does those canoeist guys (pple) count ? Spent the afternoon training under the bloody hot sun whom somehow managed to shoo away the thick black cumulonimbus (chim word for rain clouds ) that was there just a jitter moment ago .... Actually so far the life here at SA has been very eventful , save for boring lectures of which i skillfully converted to replenish rest that was much coveted after .... (if u're confused w that last sentence , its means i slept ! ) ... The class's great the pple's wonderful , do i still need praise u guys more ? Bottom line ... I love SA , and thank God for my results ... It may not have been the best around here ( in fact its not ) but this eliminates my possible dilemma of whether should i have to consider changing schoool ... A lot of ple around me have been faced with this ... And with this result i dun even need to think of taking 4 H2 simply cos i cannot qualify .... If this is His answer to the prayer, then ah ... I dunno wat to say ... One word : trust .... wait ... ONe more : Faith !!! .... uh one last one , no make it two : THANK YOU !!!