Guess there are people that I naturally cant mix with, or dont want to , or just plain simply dislike. I know its not supposed to happen this way, but its quite scary to find out just how negative your mind can form an image of him( her/it) everytime no matter what is done.

Growing out of it will take sometime, and self-talk seems to serve the purpose in trying to decide the path to take.

Its quite a mystery, considering how little i know about or understand in this field of study. Unless of course i experience first hand and decipher the underlying meanings of the interactions. Pulling out, getting a clearer view than being stuck up in a selfish and self centered view on things, and realise just how petty I can get.

Yet i choose to believe in one mask i created, and thats just me as I see it, and trying to become. Danger point here, cos i dont know where it will lead to, or what it ends up as. God merciful enough to show and guide me, if not i may just lose myself in the daily goings.


On random note , i think i need to go on a cold turkey on coffee. Its amazingly addictive and i cant live without. I know , so i want to prevent myself being enslaved.

Wow and then, I became lost in the mess that came thereafter. Not mine, definitely not mine, but under every circumstances I just had to poke myself in. Fine fine that me.


And life requires a little more than adaptation, now without trainings, the weekends become a time lapse to fill. Like yah, something to make myself worth the time spent. Nigel came and spent the week cos he, of all things, had to get out of the house because of some family conflict. Aye which otherwise got me to had to semi pack the room a bit, ok not really just the table and bed. Nicen it up a bit, since when was the last time I spent time in the room other than for sleeping.

Hmm which otherwise brought up the point when seeing Qian’s place, provided a little insight on how to get a tit more organized, afterall now that no more trainings, time has to spent studying yo. And it wont do having a room that supports little productivity. Spent the Saturday packing my files and papers and revamping it a while, planned a personal study timetable and sorts. Wells its time to shift the gear a notch, mindset to be shifted, just that I wonder how long this surge of studying enthusiasm will last.


On a random note , today was super charged up, like yeah literally. Got 3 static shocks just in a single shopping trip out.



Then again it was yet another of those minor little details along the street that caught my attention. Down in novena MRT’s tunnel link, the long long one that links to united square, an echo-y walkway, came the music of a street busker. Factor in the possibility that he’s been around for some time already, the voice, strong and enunciating his words well.

And the words drifted, coupled with a too familiar tone “ God will make a way…when there seems to be no way…” . How comforting huh.


You get my point, it applies, every time, even when days are not troubled and nights are not emo. Sounds good enough, the beauty of the song. Aye

Wow .

The day came. NCC was nothing, a nice epilogue to my short career, and it really didnt matter whether a win or not. I learnt to appreciate races in the way they are. We stand at a point in canoeing, this is how far we managed to achieve. In years to come there will definetely be more glorious positions, I'm content to leave it this way, not because i didnt want to win, but cause i won myself over. To a side i knew i might never step upon unless i was in the team.

That was it all. We poured ourselves out in time, in an undefined quest. Someday, we always say, an end would come. One end did come. Today was one of the endings we'd loved to see, and yet a beginning of another phase.

Looking back, we'll see each of our days etched in memory, of once upon a time when strangers we were came together for a common pact. ONe that defined who we are now. Like now . I'll learn to love each and everytime we as one, to love and treasure, next to the heart so close.

I'll learn to remember the good times, the lessons we got and conveniently forget the bad.

I'll learn to remember you, for all the great time together you gave .

I know i ought to be.

The feeling's getting blunted by the recent events unfolding one after another, it'll take some time for it to come back .

There was this once when i thought i was invincible with time, that is , given that time , i could do everything and anything. Think again, because it doesnt come free. Behind that will be the untold history leading to the day.

Nats came and went , and I felt the pain.
Not for missing the mark, because to say very realistically , even at this point in time , a gold medal was a dream, one that wasnt yet to come to pass.


But the fact to miss that very personal goal , stings.


I wasnt about to throw in the towel, but natural selection at its best is a cruel killer, to the one thats being annexed out of the chain. What hurt most , is to have let down what others have held in expectations the most. It wont kill me not to sweep medals off the tally, but for the team , the teachers and everyone behind us , i failed. Failed to contribute to the score tally, failed the very value of each individual rower was to any team . Failure at semis was equilavent to failure at the start ; it didnt make any difference if they were to hold quarter finals, because a drop there , wouldnt matter if u failed right at the heats .

It was a metal claim that counts , or so to say , it was a final placing that counted points. The point being , I missed it.

No i'm not being emo , so dont try to console me because there's nothing to console over.



Race, ok race , lets put a little recount of the day.

Cameraman on tues , doing what i felt was a natural thing to me, to capture those moments from a viewpoint that would make it most valuable in memory.

Came late on wed , knowing that i'll thrash myself out later. Took a walk around the venue , abosrbing the atmosphere, having pple stare at you for various reasons ; mutual-rivalry, team-rivalry, or just simply because i was blocking their path.
Being mindful of the surroundings , sat down, and hyped myself up with music. (others say its to calm yourself down, but i came late specifically not to get too caught up and anxious that i needed to be calmed. Heck i even played the piano in the morn)

Its hard to believe its here, but guess we have to take it as it comes. Chee hao was being very relaxed, lazing around , wandering chatting and doing every other thing that racers do not do before a race. Maybe that his way to preparation. I reminded him of the plan , the quick changeover of races , and went for warmups.

The rest is history , you know what happened then , my hefty half-hearted k1 qualifying heats, jumped up the pontoon (and cut someone's queue for the weighing station) , yelled at pple to make way and hobbled to the launch bay, drank stretched , at went off for K2. Dun ask me why its so close , blame the organizers. Heck at least we made it thru heats , otherwise there'll be lots of grumbling from me .

I kinda underestimated the burnout effects of doing 2 max sets at one go . Paddling uplane only i had to ask to slow down to catch up. And from starts i couldnt channel the power like i usually do , doing only enough, if any less, to negate my own presence and hope that there's enough in CHee to last us through. No bursts , no pickups , just a cruise to finishing , on and off checking to make sure it wont end up a disaster .

It didnt, scrapped the qualifying , and well , i had to apologise to chee for that heats, at the line . It wasnt anywhere near ideal, to paddle that way. (if you had a video, you'll know why) . beautiful disgrace .

That was heats for me.

(its freaking late now , and i still want to record down more of my personal account of the events before they're gone off memmory forever . Crap on hold till tmrw)

"Winning isn't everything. It's not the most important thing, But in a race, it's the point"- Adam van Koeverden



We come so far, for one point . And it has come. Or rather, we have reached it.

When training ended today , i guess no one in any mood already to be talking any more about motivating and the likes , for that matter , at least i was not . While flashes of black-and-white still images embedded in the mind of the past events that have happened in the years leading up to now , of the times us as one team have been through , is enough to overwhelm one's senses and trigger a case of night-emo-syndrome, its a defining moment.

There are no certainties in that , anything can happen , and it probably would. There wont be a next time , "next race i'm going to focus more on this" , or " damn i should have been doing that " , for now , we have ended our time in the official training program. In short , we have graduated. What's left is our turn to prove to ourselves and others , how much have we done to deserve that fate which we will determine.

A defining moment in history, and a legacy to be left behind, in your own lives only. For down as years go by, no one will really care who would have won tmrw , (except maybe if you break world record yeah) , and batches down the road , your name would not be in the competitors rosters .

What you bring back are but memories , pictures videos and images of the past , of each others company , of laughter, of joy, of pain, of tears . When the waves calm and fears stilled , will you still remember how it felt like to be in the water ?

It is yet of time to tell , but for tmrw , we race (not all of us aye) .

We used to think it mattered , like yeah the world's pinned on your shoulders . Really ?




While the tension permeates through the air, each one's a dream of victory. And only one , one will get the public recognition of victory. But tons more , will break their own limits , then mental and physical block that was unwittingly set in place by the harshness of reality and selfishness of Man.
There will be, people to tear you down , people to wear you out . Lots of them . Take the dare and dunk them like doughnuts, and it will be soon over. I'm saying that because , we're all surrounded and protected by each other in the team , and in every other team out there the same goes.

Other schools racers , like us , share untold bonds amongst each other, each a unique story to tell. However much so we outwardly put on the fierce fighting nature we're trained to become, ultimately , one week later , for some there will be euphoria of winning , and some the disappointment of missing. But all across every school , there will be broken hearts , to finally admit the cold hard facts . It going to be over soon.

Times are going fast , and friends we are , won't last.


Before we even start to think of that , its now , all or nothing, to scale the barriers , and put this time an end , beautifully.

And so , holidays over .

That phase of training is over , and before we step into the reality of BT2 , stop while, take inventory.

Couple hours to BT2 , Couple days to Nationals , not so scary does that sound actually. For all we could prepare, whether or not were the regrets left behind , regrets of whether we could have done more or achieved more, its over. No more time for another routine, no more chance for a rematch.

And it has always been , since the start of last year we've been told to anticipate the coming of tougher times, and when finally we learn to embrace it , it not so tough after all. Slap me up if necessary, i dont feel anxious for the time being. A timely sense of peace from heaven if thats what it is , to keep me calm.

Let it come , let the block test come. Let the racers come.

And I just didnt realised i could get so tired , of the many things that seemed so significant yet meant little.

NOt saying such , but yeah , this a rare time to be training with our secret "mentor" , a rare opportunity , that was so randomly handed to us . BUt yet somehow i cant really find words to fill the gap of memory , right maybe i'm tired enough that way.

Training, racing, fuelled by maybe not passion , but an external expectation of the need to do better. Driven by ego perhaps, of not wanting to lose. NOt to teammates , not to rivals.

Do forgive me for the incoherent phrasing , things are really not up my senses , and my butt isnt really forgiving to me . Putting in a post so at least i'll remember something out of this period of time that was supposed to , well mean alot to any canoeist, but i cant find the words nor linguistic flaunts to describe.

I'm beginning to find out how little you actually meant, because i cant give out forever, more than my equal share of the offering . So well , its my long awaited time to let go , not fully , but gradually , painlessly , yet carrying a load full of lessons learnt . Wow.