Emo recovery mechanism ... lolx

Sheesh ...


Coming around the corner point of this whole mess I landed myself in , a pit dug over the years and slowly accumulating the depth till light finally was blocked off the edge .... The issue here is not church becoming boring , nor is it a struggle with the Creator .


Years before, when I first stepped over to the Light side of earth ,(ie. go to church... sry getting a little poetic ) I acted as if I was here to "set things right with God Himself", to "expand my own horizon beyond the shanty town of Bishan ", and all those politically correct model answers anyone cound think up of when questioned with the reason for having made to become christian .

Nah the root was , trying to get some healthy companionship with a different circle of friends , which , well , everything the cell group had provided for . THAT , being so , was a key restrainer that kept me staying in church so so long . Yeah I know its not really good now , but hey then was the me in sec 2 ... NOw will i understand truly how in-the-well-frog wass the days in Cat High like ... Dun get me worng I love them all , but somehow there's that something missing from the perfect kind of school life pple alll looking out for ...

Now if i were to trace the problem back , it all boiled down to this : I tried to let my frens in church overtake the importance of God himself ...
Which is why i think HE has HIS way of setting things right to its proper manner.

Its goes in a pattern ...

2004 march-Me first time go church , enjoyed myself with the old N127, hanged around with them quite a bit ... Kinda made it my way of life , too much focus on the pple and less of the main reason why i'm here ... June we multiplied , half the pple left ...

2004~2005 Around this period of time again with the relatively new cell group we had a fun time bonding ... Clicked together always and it really felt like family .... After a while the same kind of effect happen (now as i look back i realised ... at that time it wasnt so crystal clear to me )... Then came mid 2005 we multiplied again .... ONce more I see pple i grew so close to leaving ....

2006~2007 - Around this period of the year was when i was most actively serving in Usher MInistry ... Hyped up with the serving ... Every addtional logistic support duty i'll be there , every pm , conference , wateva , i'll be part of the usher crew ... Grew close to my team , to the s ection then to everyone as a whole ... Which then well , it felt as if serving in the ministry climbed on top of God to me .... Frens in the ministry were like brothers in arms ......

Present - NOw summarising all above , its was always me neglecting church for some reason that let to a period of down-ness , which help in the recovery of emotional attachments ... And its always Him initiating the recovery mechanism , to set my paths straight again ... HOwever painful the transition may be ... Cos for now sudd church feels mundane ... maybe its just another chance for me to focus back to Him again ... After this , its time to pick up where i left off again ... To mend broken relationships and reatke up posts and respondsibilities .... hahax


What I am trying to say is , hey , I'm OK ... PPle keep asking me if i am having depression after reading my previous posts ...

Priorities set right ...

Cranked out ....

My life is revolving around Canoeing ... Long time neva blogged ... so when i wanted to write something , theree wasnt anything but canoeing in my mind ... Well its good and bad ...
But given the irony things have become ... Talking with Clarence the other day made me realise this ....
By grace i was given a chance in SAJC ... (well i barely skimmed the cut-off point of 8) ... God then let me pass the Canoeing selections (which well i was quite suprised )... NOw ... I am so taken up by Canoeing that i neglect church ....
Its not that i'm complaining ... I dun resent the long and often trainings ... I love the team ... I love the sport ...

Somewhere along the line of time ... an indefinite period or point in time ... I stepped over this imaginary line ... From that time , i forgot when , the switch over was made , all that fervour , passion , that was for the church and cell group and ministry was replaced by an addiction to water ... (quite literally) ... I havent went for sunday church svc for like a month ... I havent seriously commit to Ushers and cell group for how long ...

Yong Wei, my dear usher team leader, sought me out on Sat after the svc , rather concerned about my prolonged absence ... Everyone around could sense the difference .... ChenYang have changed ... What happened man ? Beats me .... Its just not the same anymore ... Its not getting any better ... I need to make a decision on whether to stay on ... Thats what he said :"I know what u feel ... i'm not pressuring u ... At the end of your A level years , then ur army years ... TOtal 4 years ... At the 4 years , what do you see yourself as in the church ? PCGL? Ministry leader? " He hit the point... What am I gonna be ?

ON closer analysis ... Just so happens that the USHER MINISTRY GROUP 4 had to have a internal re-shuffling at the point of time i was making a transition to JC lifestyle ... NOt much of lifestyle .. Rather that the environment, the cultural shock ,the pple ...
Prior that i was all about Ushers ... Every PM , special conference , Svc , meetings etc i would be present ... Getting the hang of it ... The endless spent folding bulletins , shifting chairs , directing human traffic flow , in the carpark ... EXPO Hall 8 wat has that meant to me ?

Setting priorities ... Yeah ... I'm not gonna try to lie to myself .. There were times when i thought , maybe , just maybe , that i could let God not be the first .... WHy had I been so ready to skip church for training on Sundays ? WHy was I so reluctant to go for cell group after training on Fridays ?

Its me rambling again ... Verbal diarrhoea ... shat ... No more insipirations ... And dun worry abt me .. I'm not depressed , I'm just spitting my mind off and pondering abt my own situation

Orientation 2 aftermath

WHam...

Just so now reaching into the school holidays after the Orientation 2 , which well isnt as much fun , or in this case the felling of an orientation isnt any strong anymore ... Maybe its just us SA J1 veterans who are not as enthussiastic abt it and not really making an effort to reach and and bond with the pple ... Dun get me wrong it has nothing to do with the councillors ... They probably put in as much if not more effort for this orientation programme ... Its just that to me the whole enviroment has already blended into my system ... And that includes the pple and area ...
So going thru this orientation the most comfortable thing to do is to hang out with pple already know and play thru it ... But hey i didnt outcast the newcomers ok .....

After orientation ended some of us (07S07) met up to have supper over at one of the coffee shop which joel nicked it "chicken rice" before hopping over to macs ... Then saw Zelda our dear O1's OG24's OGL ... Brings back to remeberance the time where we first day of school ... Blur and disoriented (hence the necessity of an orientation) newcomers all of us was ... That time first day when we gathered outside the General Office in the mess of a parade of school uniforms ... PPle in all sorts of uniform sha-shaying around (well ... not really lah )... Then some one annouced : "J1s , please start heading into the cultural center!!!!"
Well at that point in time this phrase kept resounding in me ....
"J1s please start heading into the cultural center"
"J1s please start ..."
"J1s please"
"J1s"
"J1s"
"J1s!!!!!!!"
IT was like Oh my gosh ... I'm J1 !?!?!
I'm always used to the times back in scouts when we were basically ordered by level ...
"Sec 1s go fetch the equipment..."
"Sec 1s gather at the grandstand"
"Sec2s all u all KNOCK IT DOWN !!!!"
"Sec 3s tmrw all meet at 1 pm ..."
"Sec 4s whos coming down tmrw to help?..."

Bascially ... anyone with a J-prefix to their names was like a supreme being ....
So in my untested mindset I was still stuck in my eggshell ... J - the magic word ... J spells authority ...
So when that person said "J1s pls ...." it completed my initiation of the mind ... I AM A J1 ......

Looking back .... the seniors who call PAE the "honeymoon" period probably meant it straight from their heart and probably deeper from the arteries ... When we treated like we owned the school ... Fool around , sleep in lectures , class gathering , OG gathering , CCA gathering , ex-class gathering , last min copy tutorials , choosing to stone in the cafe ( remember saints its pronounced - "Kare-ffff") rather than attend lessons... I miss u all ...
And despite what many pple say , i'm not complaining ... I dun say "oei y so many pple leave" or "Sianz i got no frens staying" ... I'm relishing the memories and safe keeping them so they remain a part of my life ... So when i lookin back again after graduation i can really say "JC rawks !!!" or something like that, and still have a basis to prove my point ...

Through rain or shine... To those who say goodbye ...

Hmm

Suffice to say , I am staying in SAJC for this JAE intake ... And there are many who are not ...through those rain or shine (literally rainy days and scorching days) that we've been thru , dear OG 24 , 07S07, dun forget us that there's still this bunch that are always grateful for ur presence ... Remember , "NO one is here by Chance " I am really glad to have been ur fren ... BE it involuntarily or intentionally , this is for all those who are leaving us ... THANK YOU




(Editor's note: I'm sorry its very late now and there orientation tmrw.. i mean this morning ... Too tired to squeeze anything insipirational out of my brain...I shall continue again next time )

(Edited 10/3/07-11:32 PM)

To Pee Hua , my dear angel whom i never reciprocated her letters , now that I dun have a chance to give , yikes ... Sry lah did I deprive u of a good and sporting mortal ? Nvm but really leh i have it prepared during the final class outing that time but u left early b4 i realised it then whoops too bad ... Haha

Tired ... depressed

我很累

Very Very tired now ... the physical exhaustion has converted directly into emotional lethargic-ness .. Been running on a very busy schedule lately , balancing school , training , plus various activitiies , even though some of them may not be very necessary , (Eg . impromptu class outings ) ...

This week end shall again be burnt in Canoe training ... so was last week ... come to think of it pple like sharon and ceyong i have been seeing them everyday without fail cos of being in the same class and same cca duh ... and just so happens that both them are the cg reps ....... coincidental ?

Feeling somehow quite low , partially due to lack of sleep , partially to whatsoever reson i cant explain ... just return from cell group meeting at jaryl's ... realised that somehow , the appeal of being around the cell group some how faded along the way as time passed by ... not being so relevant anymore , cell group has become another group of pple i just so happen to know ... ARgh why is this so ? i feel so far away ... where is the old lively N127 that always was one of the most impt group of pple in my life ... where is the old CY that never fails to turn up for every meeting , outing , PM,ever enthusiastic abt church , ....

What does God and church mean to me ? how long was it since i took time out to for my personal quiet time with Him ? i cant answer , i cant find it in me ... i lost it , i failed to comprehend the rationale of the situation , its a mess , i dunno how to pick it back up , i want to walk away , shucks what is happening to my life .....

Yong wei called me the other day ... asked me if had any interest to rise up in the Usher Minstry ... come to think of it i have been in there for more than 1 year ... Some how , it isnt up to me to decide ... the me now cant handle my own timing and schedule ... how am i expected to assist in the running of the team of ushers ... argh .. had he asked me during the hols i would have snapped it up ... then time was free to me ... now it is a scarcity ... hyperinflation in time ... duh

I am losing my senses i dunno wat am i writing anymore ... good night ...