Where do i start ?


This kind of end of year period where there's a lot to reflect about, and put a proper finishing sentence to the whole year, however well lived or regretful it may have been.
If i was to really bunch up the two years in jc together as one distinct period of my life, certainly there's this whole chunk of missing pieces something that i frown upon even myself.

Something has led me to think along this line, because it was in this two years that i jolted off active attendance in church, and it wasnt really quite what i was thinking of.

Its not that being in church automatically makes one somewhat more sanctified, but certain values and messages did shape my life and uphold the morality and conscience which i took for granted. Thus began the slip from grace, deteriorating inner strength, and a growing dissatisfaction that never had been. No, i'm saying Canoeing in this two years did, and had been a source of motivation to me, and a great growing experience, but i knew, i just knew , i was missing out on something.

Only recently was it revealed to me, by constant interaction and exchanges of opinions, since i do admit i cant see much of my own negative side, that i'm becoming the very monster that i swore to defeat.

Say that again?

My fantasy tale was never true to begin with. There was no knight-in-shining-armour story, I was the very monster that i never thought could be. Struggling with those inner conflicts and temptations, eroded morality, faded conscience. Its a kind of closure for this two year episode , one that i thought i was fighting an formidable opponent out of chivalry? Dream on.

But i know, at least i know now.

So i yield, not as a defeated warrior, but because i finally see the greater picture, the bigger story, and where exactly i fit in , and those are not the roles thats being right to play. Right with a purpose.

And what a relief , at least now i'm back where i belong. Still there's those broken ties and friendship thats still to be found again.
Because ultimately, to belong, is a privillege. To belong to something, someone, someplace.

Heaven is singing Tonight !
Can you hear that Heaven is singing Tonight?
City gates be open wide
Our King of Kings have come inside
Heaven is singing Tonight!




Coincidentally, thats those first line that was playing on my phone Mp3 as i was on my way home tonight, and yes , despite all those nonsense i had to go thru for today, wasted trips and wasted money, but yes! Heaven must really have been singing. (Merry christmas or happy birthday?)

Another Christmas , another commemoration , once again, its a same feeling .

Back at those two thousand years ago where they say the Angels of heaven put up a dazzling display of light. I'm trying to imagine that you know, something more glorious than auroras or fireworks, something that was put in place intentionally as a celebration. A celebration of God , in all His glory, must have been ... Wow.


And maybe its me , or maybe its just the way i felt, a sense of peace in this night. Even though the very conflicts i shunned , hated and feared , was going on, yet, overwhelming peace.
That even if it came to the worst, i knew a part of me will live on and take the challenge again.
A fight worthy of a warrior, one that would, well, bring to light all those hidden secrets and untold emotions. For once , i was able to hold it. For once , it didnt affect me the way it always did. I'm utterly grateful.


Still , its a night to behold. It feels more special than my own birthday, at least it was spent in a way more special.





Happy Birthday Jesus!! lolx

I think the problem's with me, who just cant freaking make the effort to resolve issues that doesn't really serves it purposes well.

Or just put it simply, I don't know how to.

I do admit that I'm not all that brave-hearted, not all so certain about my own central question.
We all seem to ask, "Do I have what it takes?" , and seemingly submit ourselves to seek out our own answer for it. For the validation of our manhood perhaps, or simply ego-centric mindset.

Moving fast, as we approach the final stretch of the year, maybe its time to sit down and slowly reflect of this year's goals, and what remained undone. Maybe give myself a pat on the back for things well done, and a stern reprimand for what appears to be cowardice and incompetence on my own part. Ouch

And i really do admire people who can find that inner strength to stand up for a true principle to believe in AND walk in total adherence to it. Even if it mean turning away from what seems to be the norm and expected, alienating from the wrong company , or just plain abstinence. These don't come easy.

Tearing my heart apart each time i see it, never really having enough courage for a confrontation, not in the negative sense, but for the greater good of everyone. And i hate being left out, being a bystander and onlooker , and not able to be involved, or denied the choice of involvement. Strong choice of words i know, but its just how I do some internal management of my own heart.

I rather lend my strength to whomever need it , than to see it seep away while i look helplessly.

That sucked.

So much more that have passed , a bit older now , so to say, as much as i would want to record down all t hose little side lessons learnt from life in detailed acccounts , never really having got to work untill they're just fragments of useless thoughts.

So what have passed?

Training for marathon , birthday, rotting around , Prom, marathon and the Perth trip. What do i have to say? Loads.
Not now i guess, its in the peak of the afternoon and there's something else to do. Well i made that up.
Sometimes i wonder now that A levels are over, where have everybody gone?