And slowly time is to drift away, again another crossroad was taken.
Just that this time , it was a little disappointment. Well not exactly demoralising, i do welcome that feeling of worth that comes along with it.

BMT passed with a high, an exhilarating finish, and an even better block leave that made me feel like a civilian again. Haha

Random panic seizures about the uncertainties grips me, often leave me wondering about my own capacity to achieve what i set out to do. And relying on raw perseverance and idealogy alone is not going to work everytime. Tested and proven NOT to work. Just look at how many times have I fallen to that temptation.

A reminder to myself to stay firm in that belief, and, always looking toward the liberation of this kind of life. Yea though its our turn to serve NS, though we all promise to do our best to be leaders to be great soldiers to be role models, we just cant wait for it to go away and never come back.

Shooo

Wasnt it all well lived, the month or so time spent in the other world. Well at least that other island felt like a world of its own. It can get pretty hard to cope had it not been the constant encouragement both given and received. Though this is still in its early stage of formation, not battle hardened, its hard to say whether we will last as lifelong brothers, or just a memory that struggles to be maintained.


Safe to say, I'm coping well. Perhaps just need to pick up that outspokened side of me so as to maximise the time in there. No point living it all low-profile and let the time pass by is it?

On another note, movie at Eugene's place , Men of Honour, brought up my bugging matter at hand.

Do i really want a place in the navy?
Do i really know what i'm getting into.

I'm trapped in a passivity, knowing that nothing much i could do to affect the probability of really making it to the Navy, or for that case, qualify for OCS would be a more tangible goal to aim, and continue down the path from there.
Still there's that colour vision test to pass, which is another story on its own.

God willing, I can. Otherwise, there's no talk about it.

Here it comes, another crossroad in life. Sneaked up on me so quickly that i didnt notice.

Yesterday i saw my last of my little island. Now its time to swap it for another island, one that, doesnt promise to be that all fun and frolic.
Still its not so daunting after all. Keeping in mind that i'm just one of the lost many that would have to go through the same situation, its somewhat comforting to know that unknown batches have came and went without much hiccups.

So its time i set my own things right, and once again to challenge myself in this new environment.
Even if it means i'll void my life once again.
And this time, i go without a burden.

So i rested , hanged around, and for that once more , to sit down and think again.

And results day , was just , a lil epilogue of the journey. Yes it was fufilling , but not satisfying. What could have been that future, because i wont deny that a part of me desires for something more, something that puts me in that higher order , or level , or whatever of life. NO i'm not noble , no i dont think that i am that high above others. Maybe its just because i've been away from my own heart for so long, addressing issues that doesnt concern me, i'm neglecting myself.

So ouch, i've been shot, literally , yet i'm glad it hurt me just enough to put some sense into myself. Being considerate of how others might think, or might feel, as a direct consequence of my own actions. Draw back and hold your own line they say, yes it might just work. After all time isnt a lot left for me . About 3 weeks to enlistment, thought i should just set things right before this season is over.


Back to the point of future, there's that university applications to consider. Same case as when choosing JC, i hit the borderline of what i wanted , and then , in faith , let God be the one to choose my path. While not always feasible , at least there's this rear-end sercurity comfort that makes worth its while.

While my own obnoxious behaviour of indecisive past still haunts my resolution, lets hope that this time , since the choice of course could well determine the career path, let it be guided again .

Let God guide me again .



I'm returning home .

There's no running away , there's no point running away , so have courage in the face of it. LIke what they said , 123 days after the end of the last paper, our journey through education of this level will finally close.
One that , with all faith , may bring a relief and joy, of a brighter future. Though too early to speak as of , i guess no amount of intentional distraction from that reality would work . Result comes.

And all those endless days of working , is just, just another add-on to that ultimate aim. While education may not just be for the sake of securing that job prospect , choosing the career path, it does mean as a challenge on a personal level, of how high up can you stand up to against tens of thousands of peers , using a fair and equal gauge.

My heart may fail , but it does not yield .

Time for that long due breather, busy busy much since last month, from the awesome flowers fest where everyone gave in a portion of our lives to the event. Then the genting trip to reward ourselves with a little bit of busy entertainment.

Yeps a new chapter opens up , with that little island in mind, though this may be one of those short lived memories. And a time where the changeover, letting go of the past hurts and growup once more , learning from this fall that, my own strength was actually so limited.
Trusting that this is part of a divine plan , so that there be a worth in all these that i do.

I start from scratch again , but that, that was my passion.

I just hope, if possible, that i'm still perceived as the good guy, because ultimately i dont intend to casue deliberate hurt to anyone, stranger or friend.

And in times where the wounded is to be picked up and tended to , i dont try to stab him down. That is my principal, my promise to myself, that'll i always align myself with the light side, if only ever there was a clear line betweeen.

I still care.

Perhaps yea , now its what feels like being an adult.

Haha , not in the practical sense , but just feels like. Being responsible for every action , even if it means ending up some days a jobless street bum, or the sting of full-costs of transportation. Walking along the road couple days back got me thinking. No school , no teachers , no classmates to be accountable for. I'm just like anyone along the street, an adult?

It seems so much to be suddenly heaped with that knowledge. Even more so having spent the first half of the month immobilised by those darn mosquitoes, and missing out on those little events.


Its kind of like being left out of something big. Something that hits me particularly hard, and its not going away with time. Changes that occurred without me being witness to the transition, and thrown out into the reality, facing it like strangers do. No longer having that same old sense of belonging to my old people, and like the past, its had been.



People you spend too much time with, turns strangers overnight. Not literally strangers , just , a realization that i dont know others as much as i'm supposed to, a barrier of sorts hindering that vital communication .

And frankly what happened today proved my own point. Surprisingly , i'm more inclined to speak with strangers , more at peace in talking with acquaintances than i would be comfortable in speaking with the supposedly closest bunch of friends around me.
That for some reason, a conversation with one that's not familiar with , we all tend to put on the most polite faces , presenting the most pleasant side of ourselves, and being more open to sharing information of ourselves , albeit superficial.

And not, living in a pre-formed paradox of other's behaviours , and others to us.
Being around "close" friends , it seems like a normal thing to do to think that we know best how to interpret their behaviour and mood status.
And that pretty much , destroys the whole purpose of being friends.

I'm working on it , but i can only change my thinking, and influencing others, doesnt sound like my field. Nopes.