Where do i start ?


This kind of end of year period where there's a lot to reflect about, and put a proper finishing sentence to the whole year, however well lived or regretful it may have been.
If i was to really bunch up the two years in jc together as one distinct period of my life, certainly there's this whole chunk of missing pieces something that i frown upon even myself.

Something has led me to think along this line, because it was in this two years that i jolted off active attendance in church, and it wasnt really quite what i was thinking of.

Its not that being in church automatically makes one somewhat more sanctified, but certain values and messages did shape my life and uphold the morality and conscience which i took for granted. Thus began the slip from grace, deteriorating inner strength, and a growing dissatisfaction that never had been. No, i'm saying Canoeing in this two years did, and had been a source of motivation to me, and a great growing experience, but i knew, i just knew , i was missing out on something.

Only recently was it revealed to me, by constant interaction and exchanges of opinions, since i do admit i cant see much of my own negative side, that i'm becoming the very monster that i swore to defeat.

Say that again?

My fantasy tale was never true to begin with. There was no knight-in-shining-armour story, I was the very monster that i never thought could be. Struggling with those inner conflicts and temptations, eroded morality, faded conscience. Its a kind of closure for this two year episode , one that i thought i was fighting an formidable opponent out of chivalry? Dream on.

But i know, at least i know now.

So i yield, not as a defeated warrior, but because i finally see the greater picture, the bigger story, and where exactly i fit in , and those are not the roles thats being right to play. Right with a purpose.

And what a relief , at least now i'm back where i belong. Still there's those broken ties and friendship thats still to be found again.
Because ultimately, to belong, is a privillege. To belong to something, someone, someplace.

Heaven is singing Tonight !
Can you hear that Heaven is singing Tonight?
City gates be open wide
Our King of Kings have come inside
Heaven is singing Tonight!




Coincidentally, thats those first line that was playing on my phone Mp3 as i was on my way home tonight, and yes , despite all those nonsense i had to go thru for today, wasted trips and wasted money, but yes! Heaven must really have been singing. (Merry christmas or happy birthday?)

Another Christmas , another commemoration , once again, its a same feeling .

Back at those two thousand years ago where they say the Angels of heaven put up a dazzling display of light. I'm trying to imagine that you know, something more glorious than auroras or fireworks, something that was put in place intentionally as a celebration. A celebration of God , in all His glory, must have been ... Wow.


And maybe its me , or maybe its just the way i felt, a sense of peace in this night. Even though the very conflicts i shunned , hated and feared , was going on, yet, overwhelming peace.
That even if it came to the worst, i knew a part of me will live on and take the challenge again.
A fight worthy of a warrior, one that would, well, bring to light all those hidden secrets and untold emotions. For once , i was able to hold it. For once , it didnt affect me the way it always did. I'm utterly grateful.


Still , its a night to behold. It feels more special than my own birthday, at least it was spent in a way more special.





Happy Birthday Jesus!! lolx

I think the problem's with me, who just cant freaking make the effort to resolve issues that doesn't really serves it purposes well.

Or just put it simply, I don't know how to.

I do admit that I'm not all that brave-hearted, not all so certain about my own central question.
We all seem to ask, "Do I have what it takes?" , and seemingly submit ourselves to seek out our own answer for it. For the validation of our manhood perhaps, or simply ego-centric mindset.

Moving fast, as we approach the final stretch of the year, maybe its time to sit down and slowly reflect of this year's goals, and what remained undone. Maybe give myself a pat on the back for things well done, and a stern reprimand for what appears to be cowardice and incompetence on my own part. Ouch

And i really do admire people who can find that inner strength to stand up for a true principle to believe in AND walk in total adherence to it. Even if it mean turning away from what seems to be the norm and expected, alienating from the wrong company , or just plain abstinence. These don't come easy.

Tearing my heart apart each time i see it, never really having enough courage for a confrontation, not in the negative sense, but for the greater good of everyone. And i hate being left out, being a bystander and onlooker , and not able to be involved, or denied the choice of involvement. Strong choice of words i know, but its just how I do some internal management of my own heart.

I rather lend my strength to whomever need it , than to see it seep away while i look helplessly.

That sucked.

So much more that have passed , a bit older now , so to say, as much as i would want to record down all t hose little side lessons learnt from life in detailed acccounts , never really having got to work untill they're just fragments of useless thoughts.

So what have passed?

Training for marathon , birthday, rotting around , Prom, marathon and the Perth trip. What do i have to say? Loads.
Not now i guess, its in the peak of the afternoon and there's something else to do. Well i made that up.
Sometimes i wonder now that A levels are over, where have everybody gone?

For everything that's yet to be done, to all as it seems, its over.

Oh yeah or so it feels like. Except for that physics mcq paper that lurks tmrw, otherwise, A levels, woh, what an end.

The finishing didnt really feel that bad, its always the period leading up to it that feels like the darkest moment. Appears to be so, since almost everyone, including myself, would try to compare how it feels like to O levels times. Same MOE thingie, same system, just 2 years apart. Makes it all the more natural to link the two periods together.

Which is more stressful? I cant tell, its all the same. Being ever optimistic seems to have its pros.


BUt otherwise, yea now thats what got me stuck in the sch library here now with pretty much nothing much better to do than walk around and do some random practice. THey say the last fight is always the most spectacular, and i agreed.
They just never said that it applies for exams, and even more not so with a weirdo time table like this . ZZZ


SCHOOL!~~~
Whatever not is there to be missed, which amounts to plenty, all those things yet to be done and faces yet to be seen and greetings not exchanged. Worries, toilings , amusement, learning, growing up .

Yea growing up.

Guess today, or tomorrow at least, walking out the school gate would hold great meanings. As when stepping into the school compound for the first time about 2 years back, we've all changed. Safe to say, we've all grown up. We've all been shaped into what we are now, its time to move on. Yea tmrw , tmrw it is.

I'll feel lost after exams, without trainings , without a team to belong to , without a purpose or timetable to follow. Yes its time , time to grow up.

This close , I guess i have nothing much to say.

Its here at the doorstep, taking on the role of a proper student again. An exam to face. THE Exam to face. While melancholy seems to dangle in the air, stress levels, long absent, transcends to stratospheric levels.

Maybe its not the stress of the exam, its the anticipation, the impact it could potentially have on our future.
Ironic it may be, for what we thought a demi-potent human, has to enslaved by paper. Literally.
Much things to care about, much more left to be done. I would have learnt to appreciative of such lifestyles , studying studying and more studying, at least there's a purpose to what we do.

If God is present in this, then let it go according to that divine plan ordained for our good. I'm tired, like , tired. I want my life back, but i don't know what kind of life would i get back.

I wish you were here with me again..

So then may this testify to the hurt you've inflicted, and may I earn my right to appear blameless like before, in due time.



Ouch. I swore i could hear the shatter.

We seek continuosly after a destiny we believe that was available to claim, or so to say a future in sight, the way we were taught to achieve our goal. Yes studying is the socially accepted highway to a better life , a better career , and goes on.

But no one ever said that path was easy to take.


Perhaps its not saturated yet, would there ever be a point where i could say that , yea, i'm done studying, everything i need to know , i know. That was the point, what if we were to be given another month to study, would i learn to appreciate it? Still to say that in this given amount of time, this two years in JC , its those who makes the most out of his time wins. In each respect of course, well i could spend two year hidden from the civillisation mugging my brains off, and get my As, but that, would i really have won my part of the fight?


Looking back, maybe there were regrets, bad decisions, bad management and insufficient efforts. Yea get it over with done with, we all like to say. BUt right before the exam , wouldnt one more day of efforts seem so precious to us?

I looked on, and waited for that time to pass, and i realised that i'll rather have sealed off my heart and retarded the pain. And so we enter the final stages of the MOE shield, finally after the 12 years, or say like eugene mentioned the 99.1234556% of general education, yea, maybe its time for the wild hearts and brave souls to taste the real world.

PpLe around me are turning 18, a threhold of young adulthood. So i assume that while we're no longer the young and naive we were, theres still more to be leaernt and embraced.


For now yet, we brace for the next adventure ahead.

Ayee , i was supposed to have quite a bit of thought to put in , but upon logging it most of it was gone.

HOw should i put it , this is supposed to be those most memorable times in jc, or rather , because thereafter there wont be anything much to remember since today was offically the farewell assembly. Something that we denied existence of, something that we all believed it was still going to be a while more before it came. Yes , JC IS OFFICALLY OVER. BUt like the sppech person today on stage, i agree too , it still hasnt set into me yet, and still wont.

And unlike what all those emo-mongers predicted, it wasnt like a sniff-sniff crying event, nor did pple hug each other in tears and proclaiming words of best-fren-forever and the likes. And no romantic guy went up to stage to confess to his girl. Just songs , plenty of happy memories, taking pic, and busy collecting presents and listening to speeches. In other words , it felt like JC-2-Day.


Cools and know what, it hasnt sink into me. JC is over. *shrugs*



We've all come through all those things a JC student i supposed to have been, looking at juniors rush and frolic over their pw is somewhat quite interesting and thinking back about those days when we too were engrossed in it. Its always like this that things when we look back at it, it becomes fun and interesting and memorable, but while in the midst of it, it stinks.

Well , let me try to get a little more into the mood....






Oh wells, it just wont come. I'm like stuck here in school , for a lonely graduation day because something fouled up and the supposed classs outing went bonks. Its not like its the first time i'm left out, ok not left out, just owing to the circumstances there isnt pple to be around. Makes me realise too how narrow my social circle is.


Past week or so spent stuck in the sch lib too , mostly alone. Still again , i think my old problem of mild autism is starting to kick it no thanks to the constant retaliation of books. I dont talk much, people have reflected to me that it makes pple less willing to talk, and all the more makes it harder for me to talk to other people, and so the cycle goes. That being said , its saying that i'm expected to try and be the one taking the initiative to keep conversations alive. Yet i find it quite a chore to keep thinking of new topics or catch phrases to do that. Not that i'm not interested though, just it takes a wee bit more effort in some than in others. Not complaining, just, yea do bear with me when i happen to mess up logic with fact.




I'm worried for A levels. Like wow, i dont think i need to speak on behalf of pple to know that ,there are pple who still keep fresh memories about being a freshman in junior college. Exams are nearrr , scarily near , its a make or break, and we're here to make our mark.


Bidding goodbye to green berms, welcoming the touch of blue slacks. It seems like yesterday
Yea and in a few more month i'll have to welcome the ugly digi-camo pants.

And fully going on, an amazing week that flew up and again.

Save the fact that A levels looms in the shadows ahead, while we work so hard to try to find a way thru the tunnel. Once set in tracks, there doesnt seem to be an alternate junction to switch. No its not in my mind to want that either.


SAJC tea reception on Wed, a farewell of sorts for our beloved sportsmen of the school. Or so its supposed to be. That short video comprised of our years worth of effort, of team-hood and growth. For every sport team therein, a closure and a handing on.

Coach had us reflect on the meaning behind viewing the video. How hard was it for you, in your years in the sport, to raise a fist and punch the air in triumph? It means a lot hey, because only a select few would get to do it. The euphoria , of even just winning beyond expectations, of reaching a pre-determined goal, and seeing yourself through it. And i guess, there were times i felt that way too. One little moment, one chance to live it.

Yet I find myself at this stage, far from the flaming passion of the sport. The time spend at the books erodes one's conviction if left unattended.



Paddling on saturday served to reassure myself that i would not completely fall away from rowing. Coach's nelos arrival was the perfect excuse for some of us to take the opportunity and find back ourselves at the reservoir. No stress, no limitations , just a boat , a paddle and the boundaries of the reservoir.


Studied somemore after that. Facing the failure of my quest to shed the dependancy on other pple when revising work. Yes its effective and productive to study alone. But sometimes , it gets miserably lonely.. So having someone around, keeps me sane.


Churched again, finally finding back a chance to mix around with people , however short. Makes me feel like a new friend once again, welcomed, treasured and much of interest.
Not that i seek after that , but so long have fell away since JC , not having been active in the events nor attendance in church. Having someone to be mutually accountable in such matters does help.

And hence it was a decision made that long ago, this was where i shall be rooted, whether in sound doctrine or just the church-culture uniqueness to stick to. Because if i was to go to any church on sundays, i might as well be back at my home church, where to some certainty a word is to be received.

If a word from God that could change eternity is to be spoken, then heck , i am not taking the chances and miss out on it.

I think long accepted that fact, that once this thing is done with, sports season is over, the J2s, or if you would call that , the classes of '08, we fade to the background. School for the past weeks were spent in the library, ( cept for that once i ponned and got caught on the way out but got away anyway) , selectively choosing the lessons to go for.

Somehow, the class is getting closer, not in a fact that, thats how much a short hectic JC stay can get us close enough. We're pretty much on our own i guess, some teachers and frens around to get by and then, ultimately the responsibility for keep the pace of revision falls on our own shoulders.

At this start of a new month , barely 2 months from biggest goal of JC life, its time to stop a while and think. Prelims are here i know, but they dont mean a thing compared to the real deal. Just a couple months ago i was entrenched in the trance that all that there was a kayaking showdown come A divs.

Keeping fit was life, attending training was life at its best.


To put it that way, a time for everything in its season.


And now the time is not for that. However much time we spent preparing for our races and everything, its over, seemingly way in the past. (i'm getting fat all over again)


Just for keepsake , all that is happening, to treasure the time we still have together, as schoolmates,classmates teammates wateva. Jc is coming to an end soon. I'm still guilty of not treasuring quality time. It makes even the more worthwhile to think about it. We're not the hotshots we thought we were. Batches come and go, someday, we're all but a beautiful history, both in our and other's minds.

A history worth remembering , a love worth giving.

Guess there are people that I naturally cant mix with, or dont want to , or just plain simply dislike. I know its not supposed to happen this way, but its quite scary to find out just how negative your mind can form an image of him( her/it) everytime no matter what is done.

Growing out of it will take sometime, and self-talk seems to serve the purpose in trying to decide the path to take.

Its quite a mystery, considering how little i know about or understand in this field of study. Unless of course i experience first hand and decipher the underlying meanings of the interactions. Pulling out, getting a clearer view than being stuck up in a selfish and self centered view on things, and realise just how petty I can get.

Yet i choose to believe in one mask i created, and thats just me as I see it, and trying to become. Danger point here, cos i dont know where it will lead to, or what it ends up as. God merciful enough to show and guide me, if not i may just lose myself in the daily goings.


On random note , i think i need to go on a cold turkey on coffee. Its amazingly addictive and i cant live without. I know , so i want to prevent myself being enslaved.

Wow and then, I became lost in the mess that came thereafter. Not mine, definitely not mine, but under every circumstances I just had to poke myself in. Fine fine that me.


And life requires a little more than adaptation, now without trainings, the weekends become a time lapse to fill. Like yah, something to make myself worth the time spent. Nigel came and spent the week cos he, of all things, had to get out of the house because of some family conflict. Aye which otherwise got me to had to semi pack the room a bit, ok not really just the table and bed. Nicen it up a bit, since when was the last time I spent time in the room other than for sleeping.

Hmm which otherwise brought up the point when seeing Qian’s place, provided a little insight on how to get a tit more organized, afterall now that no more trainings, time has to spent studying yo. And it wont do having a room that supports little productivity. Spent the Saturday packing my files and papers and revamping it a while, planned a personal study timetable and sorts. Wells its time to shift the gear a notch, mindset to be shifted, just that I wonder how long this surge of studying enthusiasm will last.


On a random note , today was super charged up, like yeah literally. Got 3 static shocks just in a single shopping trip out.



Then again it was yet another of those minor little details along the street that caught my attention. Down in novena MRT’s tunnel link, the long long one that links to united square, an echo-y walkway, came the music of a street busker. Factor in the possibility that he’s been around for some time already, the voice, strong and enunciating his words well.

And the words drifted, coupled with a too familiar tone “ God will make a way…when there seems to be no way…” . How comforting huh.


You get my point, it applies, every time, even when days are not troubled and nights are not emo. Sounds good enough, the beauty of the song. Aye

Wow .

The day came. NCC was nothing, a nice epilogue to my short career, and it really didnt matter whether a win or not. I learnt to appreciate races in the way they are. We stand at a point in canoeing, this is how far we managed to achieve. In years to come there will definetely be more glorious positions, I'm content to leave it this way, not because i didnt want to win, but cause i won myself over. To a side i knew i might never step upon unless i was in the team.

That was it all. We poured ourselves out in time, in an undefined quest. Someday, we always say, an end would come. One end did come. Today was one of the endings we'd loved to see, and yet a beginning of another phase.

Looking back, we'll see each of our days etched in memory, of once upon a time when strangers we were came together for a common pact. ONe that defined who we are now. Like now . I'll learn to love each and everytime we as one, to love and treasure, next to the heart so close.

I'll learn to remember the good times, the lessons we got and conveniently forget the bad.

I'll learn to remember you, for all the great time together you gave .

I know i ought to be.

The feeling's getting blunted by the recent events unfolding one after another, it'll take some time for it to come back .

There was this once when i thought i was invincible with time, that is , given that time , i could do everything and anything. Think again, because it doesnt come free. Behind that will be the untold history leading to the day.

Nats came and went , and I felt the pain.
Not for missing the mark, because to say very realistically , even at this point in time , a gold medal was a dream, one that wasnt yet to come to pass.


But the fact to miss that very personal goal , stings.


I wasnt about to throw in the towel, but natural selection at its best is a cruel killer, to the one thats being annexed out of the chain. What hurt most , is to have let down what others have held in expectations the most. It wont kill me not to sweep medals off the tally, but for the team , the teachers and everyone behind us , i failed. Failed to contribute to the score tally, failed the very value of each individual rower was to any team . Failure at semis was equilavent to failure at the start ; it didnt make any difference if they were to hold quarter finals, because a drop there , wouldnt matter if u failed right at the heats .

It was a metal claim that counts , or so to say , it was a final placing that counted points. The point being , I missed it.

No i'm not being emo , so dont try to console me because there's nothing to console over.



Race, ok race , lets put a little recount of the day.

Cameraman on tues , doing what i felt was a natural thing to me, to capture those moments from a viewpoint that would make it most valuable in memory.

Came late on wed , knowing that i'll thrash myself out later. Took a walk around the venue , abosrbing the atmosphere, having pple stare at you for various reasons ; mutual-rivalry, team-rivalry, or just simply because i was blocking their path.
Being mindful of the surroundings , sat down, and hyped myself up with music. (others say its to calm yourself down, but i came late specifically not to get too caught up and anxious that i needed to be calmed. Heck i even played the piano in the morn)

Its hard to believe its here, but guess we have to take it as it comes. Chee hao was being very relaxed, lazing around , wandering chatting and doing every other thing that racers do not do before a race. Maybe that his way to preparation. I reminded him of the plan , the quick changeover of races , and went for warmups.

The rest is history , you know what happened then , my hefty half-hearted k1 qualifying heats, jumped up the pontoon (and cut someone's queue for the weighing station) , yelled at pple to make way and hobbled to the launch bay, drank stretched , at went off for K2. Dun ask me why its so close , blame the organizers. Heck at least we made it thru heats , otherwise there'll be lots of grumbling from me .

I kinda underestimated the burnout effects of doing 2 max sets at one go . Paddling uplane only i had to ask to slow down to catch up. And from starts i couldnt channel the power like i usually do , doing only enough, if any less, to negate my own presence and hope that there's enough in CHee to last us through. No bursts , no pickups , just a cruise to finishing , on and off checking to make sure it wont end up a disaster .

It didnt, scrapped the qualifying , and well , i had to apologise to chee for that heats, at the line . It wasnt anywhere near ideal, to paddle that way. (if you had a video, you'll know why) . beautiful disgrace .

That was heats for me.

(its freaking late now , and i still want to record down more of my personal account of the events before they're gone off memmory forever . Crap on hold till tmrw)

"Winning isn't everything. It's not the most important thing, But in a race, it's the point"- Adam van Koeverden



We come so far, for one point . And it has come. Or rather, we have reached it.

When training ended today , i guess no one in any mood already to be talking any more about motivating and the likes , for that matter , at least i was not . While flashes of black-and-white still images embedded in the mind of the past events that have happened in the years leading up to now , of the times us as one team have been through , is enough to overwhelm one's senses and trigger a case of night-emo-syndrome, its a defining moment.

There are no certainties in that , anything can happen , and it probably would. There wont be a next time , "next race i'm going to focus more on this" , or " damn i should have been doing that " , for now , we have ended our time in the official training program. In short , we have graduated. What's left is our turn to prove to ourselves and others , how much have we done to deserve that fate which we will determine.

A defining moment in history, and a legacy to be left behind, in your own lives only. For down as years go by, no one will really care who would have won tmrw , (except maybe if you break world record yeah) , and batches down the road , your name would not be in the competitors rosters .

What you bring back are but memories , pictures videos and images of the past , of each others company , of laughter, of joy, of pain, of tears . When the waves calm and fears stilled , will you still remember how it felt like to be in the water ?

It is yet of time to tell , but for tmrw , we race (not all of us aye) .

We used to think it mattered , like yeah the world's pinned on your shoulders . Really ?




While the tension permeates through the air, each one's a dream of victory. And only one , one will get the public recognition of victory. But tons more , will break their own limits , then mental and physical block that was unwittingly set in place by the harshness of reality and selfishness of Man.
There will be, people to tear you down , people to wear you out . Lots of them . Take the dare and dunk them like doughnuts, and it will be soon over. I'm saying that because , we're all surrounded and protected by each other in the team , and in every other team out there the same goes.

Other schools racers , like us , share untold bonds amongst each other, each a unique story to tell. However much so we outwardly put on the fierce fighting nature we're trained to become, ultimately , one week later , for some there will be euphoria of winning , and some the disappointment of missing. But all across every school , there will be broken hearts , to finally admit the cold hard facts . It going to be over soon.

Times are going fast , and friends we are , won't last.


Before we even start to think of that , its now , all or nothing, to scale the barriers , and put this time an end , beautifully.

And so , holidays over .

That phase of training is over , and before we step into the reality of BT2 , stop while, take inventory.

Couple hours to BT2 , Couple days to Nationals , not so scary does that sound actually. For all we could prepare, whether or not were the regrets left behind , regrets of whether we could have done more or achieved more, its over. No more time for another routine, no more chance for a rematch.

And it has always been , since the start of last year we've been told to anticipate the coming of tougher times, and when finally we learn to embrace it , it not so tough after all. Slap me up if necessary, i dont feel anxious for the time being. A timely sense of peace from heaven if thats what it is , to keep me calm.

Let it come , let the block test come. Let the racers come.

And I just didnt realised i could get so tired , of the many things that seemed so significant yet meant little.

NOt saying such , but yeah , this a rare time to be training with our secret "mentor" , a rare opportunity , that was so randomly handed to us . BUt yet somehow i cant really find words to fill the gap of memory , right maybe i'm tired enough that way.

Training, racing, fuelled by maybe not passion , but an external expectation of the need to do better. Driven by ego perhaps, of not wanting to lose. NOt to teammates , not to rivals.

Do forgive me for the incoherent phrasing , things are really not up my senses , and my butt isnt really forgiving to me . Putting in a post so at least i'll remember something out of this period of time that was supposed to , well mean alot to any canoeist, but i cant find the words nor linguistic flaunts to describe.

I'm beginning to find out how little you actually meant, because i cant give out forever, more than my equal share of the offering . So well , its my long awaited time to let go , not fully , but gradually , painlessly , yet carrying a load full of lessons learnt . Wow.

Last week of term 2 .

And it seemed rather far way then , this crucial period we looked forward to in anticipation and fear. Anticipation i say, because we saw how it things would go from past year experience, only this time, we're the ones taking the shot.

Start of the june hols training, telling that its time to get over with unsettled business and go full force. Leave no room for regrets , that at the end you'll have fought the good fight of faith.

I'm looking forward to it, time trials this sat. Things happen in the past weeks that quite jittered my senses , that, i'm not quite the person i thought i am. Or rather , i'm not as good as i would want myself to be , that i had saw myself gleeming to become.

And as a team , because , they 'll probably take up the bulk of the memories of being in college. Being able to live up to expectations isnt a easy feat. I know, i live it everyday.

Tasted failures , and grew so fonder of that heart wrenching pain. When emotional trauma can transcend into physical hurt, that you quite literally feel the heart squeezed out of life. Hence that phrase was thus coined probably.

Too bad block test has have to cut our momentum, but then, its in the face of insurmountable mountain tasks , that we'll get to learn the beauty of the landscape, and the strength of your will and conviction.

So take the time once again, for i shall have to constantly remind myself for what do i keep fighting for.

There's no holding back now , we're close , so close to finality , the one showdown that pretty much define my JC life. (A levels or A'div? choose )
The window is shutting , as i said, there's isnt time to start thinking about what we shouldnt be , despite all that grudging in the past year. Its ok , move on and be happy, maybe there'll be a another time in the future and we can try again . aiyo eh


Its a painful fall no doubt , and it takes sometime to get over with it. The sting remains to remind of that , so you'll just have to work harder.


Give your all , so expected of you.


PA race, so we fought on home ground, we could say its an advantage. Afterall , some say ( i also say) Bedok's water is heavier, more dense, for some unexplained physics theories. BUt its no excuse for letting your guard down. Its hard fought , worthy, very worthy, but its not even the tip of the iceberg. Afterall , not all schools came , its not a big event, RedSports didnt even bothered to cover it .

I did all i could with whatever i can , so i wont really blame the small little screw ups , afterall everyone do screw ups, so do the opponents. We just overcome it. So did i . OK there were ups and downs, I beat some of those whom i targeted out to beat. I held out against others who were well making out their name in the scene.
Maybe i am too . ? :P

Maybe they trembled when they saw my name in the same race list ? Ha its a nice nice dream .

Ok fine , i fought , and by a fluke or slip or scramble of luck ... i did not .. get it ... . That morning , 1st race . It struck me hard. Really hard . Hard enough for me to crush the can of drink i held as i watched the update of the score screen. Hard enough for me to rethink where i stood in this scene.

It painful, i say again , to realise that after everything's said and done, you're just not adequate .

Maybe we could complain that its not really a fair fight, not on even standings, not having a better starting advantage over. After all we use 1 1/2 years to train against most who go on at least 5 years of training.
While not saying that its nothing, hey those years count for something. And it means we have our work cut out for us. And long ago we've realised the cold hard facts .



We're fast. They're just faster . Cos they work hard. And we just have to work harder.

OH yeah we have a camp tmrw. That and again , we come to a stage in which the cycles of last year repeats again, and this time we're sitting in a different perspective. For once , we are not strangers like we used to be , this time last year. Stronger people, higher expectations, and its not really that hard to see the progress we've come by.

On a very random note, wheeeeling joined the class in the past week, and appears to be doing surprisingly well for someone who's ripped from a class whom have spent an entire year with. Being put into , well not a very lively class, and not a very hardworking class. Aye commendation goes to her for being strong!


Which when everyone's growing up, physically , emotionally as well, going through the ups and downs of life.
Random things happens all around the week. SC came to talk to me about her problems with her BF and things like that, and while i've become more than the brash childish CAT HIGH guy since the last time we met, its still doesnt feels right enough. For that i cant say anything thats somewhat useful, some cheap consolation about guy's perspective and suggestions and random comments. Bringing it closer to the heart, makes me kinda realised how prepared i am to handle issues like this.
(Note: it doesnt mean I'm gay, its just i'm not as ready as i would think i am to be)

So yah, dun take me for granted, as in , dun think i'm here forever. heh



Video analysis today !
And its quite interesting , because finally after so much viewing of toehrs paddling, doing storkes and learning technique, finally we get to see ourselves in the water from a thrid point perspective. Comparing that to the video i have of myself from last year july race, a lot have been since .

Call me ego haha, but i like to see myself paddling.

I like to see myself breaking through, i like to see a dream come to pass, that when a certain race is won, and that winner is myself. And i like to think about it, dream about it, believe in it.

I'm not the fittest around, i definitely cant run as fast as some around me can, i dun have the stamina boost, i dun have the muscle strength and endurance.

I , have a dream, and that , holds for everything i can achieve, right now, and maybe in the future.

Cos now as we look back at the time that passed , its a luminous flash , that , well doesnt really felt that it has been well lived. But its time passed nonetheless , and face the fact, time, is running out.

For schoolwork, because with each passing day mean new syllabus being taught, more homework, done or undone (or not intended to be done) comes haunting every student. And the deadline for submission for the JC life ,ie. the A levels, stalks closely behind. Not that we seek to run away from it, nor are we really looking forward to it.

Its time thats the limiting reagent.

C'mon if we could live a thousand years i'll take ten years to complete my A levels.



For canoeing too, if you would look at it this way. Its not even being about the end of the year showdown. July doesnt qualify to be end-of-year. But its our showdown, the one-and-a-half year of effort, of time , of trainings and dedication and commitment and sacrifice. Condensed into a few minutes of water time . It counts.

We saw a glimpse of it in the past few weeks, the MR 500 and NJCC , which well , I would not exactly want it to reflect my achievements. Yeah not good , but its just how things have worked out to be.


As William Hung would have put it " I have done my best and I have no regrets."


Maybe, just so maybe, i dont want to admit that my best. Afterall it sucks to be slammed with the cold hard facts that , your best is simply not enough. Not enough , not comparable to others, not significant to others. And hence the only way is to press on, flailing wildly acting like clowns, or just retreat into seclusion and train for the Gold again.


Someone once told me we from Bedok are like monks deep in meditation retreat training, in seclusion where nobody sees, nobody hears, only when we emerge from hiding and wield our weapons in the battlefield did people start realising we're a threat afterall.

That's an optimistic view, considering if anyone even bothered to think we're a threat at all. Fine neveryoumind, go on thinking that way and perhaps, if not surely, when we next emerge from the monastery we'll have something else to show.

I dont have much to talk about it, NJCC came and went and was ... was... part disgrace part honour. Disgrace because i lost a race due to a rather stupid reason i'd kick myself for that. But owing to my emotional repair mechanism , i got over it quickly , ( about as quickly as it took for me to return from the 1000m startline having been dropped the bomb by race officials). Maybe i would have cried there and then had i not been through all that wear and tear of mental hardships.
But the end of it, i shrugged and laughed it off. Next time then..

Honour , not exactly very honour, personal bests are like self deposit in the bank of your self-esteem. And breaking it feels like striking the lottery. Winning a race is like being handed interest dividend payouts.
I struck my lottery though they didnt give me any interest payouts, and well, got to make a lot of random friends on and off the water. Fine to just say that there's alot more to have been there, and the gains are the lessons learnt.



There's more to it that just being in Macritchie. Afterall we spent nearly a full month training there, enduring the strict rules, the competitive environment, bad facillities, crowded lanes and hell lot of rain and storm and that anti-climax land training from coach at the carpark.
The weird stares we get from the resident teams, the hospitality received from schools with good ties with :D , the faulty A2 shed lock , fun playing with the drain water during a heavy downpour, the damaged C2 D: .

Its part of us now, and also the fact we see how competition from rivals really looks like, and the gaps we needed to catch up, not forgoing the fact that how much we've come ahead of some others, if that is but some cheap consolation.

And its just the days in Macr.

Marathon's over. MSA's over. We start over again.

Could it be ? Lest i fail my own hopes again, that this tests shall make up for the past. Yep and i may not have done everything possible to do well, yet i did as much was in grasp to achieve, some in some out. Nonetheless its over and let it be over. Look forward to the next challenge ahead


Marathon hmm, guess its just how things turn out least expected. Notwithstanding the medals i forgone, which was in grasp, but held little purpose in doing so. Yeah it could have been my glory to claim , but that glory didnt belong to me anyway. Nevertheless the thanks goes out to all who have and did helped in one way or another to make the week so pleasant to train, race in . One way or another, its over yes, and we have probably enough time to reflect on it before moving on again.

Talk about glory,
We always say: Praise God , Glory to God etc etc... What does glory, to God, meant?

Nothing actually.


I wont be offended if someone told me the same thing i figured. Glory didnt mean anything. God doesnt need the glory; he has all that is to claim in this world and not. But it does mean to us , and it must have mattered alot to Him.

Who wouldn't mind being noticed and in the limelight for that instance when you've just done something you're proud of , achieved something worth attention, worth the applause. Maybe a article or interview in the headlines would've been nice . I would like it; it my nature and probably everyone else's too.

It's just that time and again history has proven itself reliable to predict. How many great people of their time falter in the near future cos they just couldn't get over the initial hussle. We as human probably lost too much to that little devil in the corner of our hearts called "pride"

So its not really that bad when God took the effort to instruct people to give the honour back, not to keep , but to keepsafe.



Imagine this , a budding five-year-old just won in a certain contest a large satchet of sweets and candies. And like any other five-year-old, he's probably thinking of keeping all it to himself, and down them like rice that night, afterall who could blame him? He 's won it, fair enough.
And before long , he's getting into trouble with the tummy aches that accompanies candy dinners.

So this is where the Father steps in. He reaches over to the child's bag " I'll keep that, " and promises only to give him a sweet at a time, once every two or three days. And yes the child will grow resentful , throw tantrums and fuss over everything else, uncooperative mealtimes, struggling against the hands that meant to help. But afterall its for his good.

So is the case with the glory we get from mortal kinds. We get upset whenever due glory isnt given to us. We wrinkle our eyes when we hear someone publicly honouring God for what seems like his own achievements .
BUt afterall, what our heavenly Father meant, was to keep the sweets from us , protect us from the tummyaches of life's too much honour. Just like a grown up wont need to steal sweets from kids; he could buy a barrel load if he pleased, our God doesnt need our glory. He just meant good .




So the next time we are urge to give God the glory, dont wrinkle up like its your life's possesions. It goes a long way back if we are to trace how much this could mean to us , but yes its for our good, probably, until you can convince me otherwise, that you could handle the issue of mortal pride.

Race Day. Tmrw



Something that we looked forward to, something that we spent our precious afternoons training for, something that, well, just is a common goal that all would like to see come to pass.

Afterall, didnt we pledge to uphold this name, to carve out a history that belonged uniquely to us, to claim a portion of the somewhat saturated piece of treasure that was available to whomever was willing to sacrifice time and effort of it.

Yes the week was spent, half in half out of schoolwork, pressing productivity of my internal generators; morning with the full sch routine, afternoon speeding around kallang, night back at sch with whomever is left hardworking. Cept that i was doing triple duty. heck
Back to the point, which really tests one's commitment, no wonder there are really those who break down and steps away for it. I dun really blame them.


Back with that issue, carrying a load of expectations along with me. I'm not God, I aspire towards God-like , I live as if I was an angel, but afterall ,i'm but a saint. Ok literally, but yah thats the whole point.
I'm not perfect, I dont always self motivate, there are time when i want to , felt like , almost gave up .

Holding on , because i know there are others who did their part of the work, fully expecting me to do mine so that things would work out.

Yes i know i should, but its like the saying, life is a long long marathon race, you cant always give everything you've got, or you're just a badly adapted sprinter.

So i apologise, if in anyway, my weakness , in flesh, in spirit, as ever failed to do its part.



Friday's training made me think more. So what if i was leading the rear pack ? So what if i could defend my place against another k1 challenging my position? So what if i could charge another K2 ? The gap difference is still, disastrous. Wonder how many other real competitors could fill in that gap, otherwise, my ranking is ka-boom. Crap Crap Crap.

Somewhere , somehow, i lost the fight to keep up with progress. Well like i did last year, just because i wanted to more.

That's all it meant, it doesnt have to make sense, it doesnt matter


Afterall Race Day's tmrw .

Woah new year
Another beginning we all would like to think its just nothing, its just routine, its just saying we got thru promos.

Then again everything going on ahead full force now. We're seniors ! To say the least, its always different to be seniors. Its like the unchartered waters to conquer, back when our seniors were around, we could only look while they made on their way. Once on our own ships to ride the journey of a J2 , aye it doesnt really feels much different?

Crap i realised i havent filled up my goals for the year. Aye time to sit down and do some reflection, if you havent, pls do. Because i havent, but shall do so. NO more time wasting, because i realise i didnt really did much for the past year, and hence i cant really compare what progress i would have wanted myself to go thru. 18 years old would sound more cool than 20 years old. And since most of us guys would spend our 20 year old stage away from active civilisation, thought we might as well make our impact felt now.

Trying our best, we have a whole packed schedule ahead of us, those blasted MSAs which Lee hak boon's wife probably got the idea from him or did not. Maybe that'll will change the way SA functions, haha kinda too slack in academic efforts.



OK something else to think about...

Thursday chapel service .



Here there's this 12 year old girl who;s blind from birth due to some unfortunate mishandling coming to showcase her singing talent. That besides her somewhat talented voice , its what she says , if you think it again , that made the impact


"..... I dreamt i went to heaven , there i SAW the green grass, i breathed the fresh air , i SEE angels around me ..."


If anything, that about what she said, somewhere along that line. She blind, mind you. From birth.

IF she said she saw, then what she saw must have been ... heavenly.

No cultural influence , no stereotype . Afterall what's green to a blind? How do you describe an angel to a blind person?

Its not like those kind of fat chubby children with undersize wings, holding star shaped magic wands who go about kissing people and what not.

ANGELs

How do you dream of angels from nothing? Tough time thinking, what i'll say is she saw it . she saw the real thing. Benefit of the doubt, she saw what most people wait a lifetime to get a glimspe. What beauty is that, when your mortal sight is deprived of you, and you receive a divine vision?

Its a hard choice, thankfully we never might need to make. Not that I would die without my eyes, but hey you wont see the ugly, but u also cant see the beauty in the mess.

And i'm always looking out for what the things the world can offer, somewhere to salvage how much fallen it has been. We dont get to see it everyday. But its been around since creation . So why not..