I ran out of love.

I grumbled to God why is this so, and I don't understand his reply.

I only trust that He knows what's best, because I'm now lost somewhere between hanging on to faith and wondering why do I even bother. In the face of surmounting evidences and reasons indeed, but somehow I don't feel the urge from my heart to want to return.

Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I've tipped beyond the point of running on my own strength, and then realizing, perhaps I could just be allowed to do so on my own. Somewhere in my heart, I know its wrong, but I don't know how to remedy that. Its the kind of weakness you'll never want to admit. Not for the sake of ego and all i think.

Now this is so depressing stuff.

But for one moment, to be thankful for the things that have happened in life thus far. University is, wonderful. Maybe. Could be that the elation of the ending of the final exams is still settling in and that I find that life has a meaning once again now. Looking back, the friendships that budded seemingly out of nowhere, shows a promising light. Whereas those of the past seems to have taken a backseat a little, seeing that most of us are out there forging another world of our own.

The knowledge we gained, while awfully dreadful, is meant to serve a higher purpose after all. Certainly there are times I question my own resolve to maintain this path of study, at the very fundamental level of itself; I dislike math. But I love solving the problems. And all the more, I love being curious. And since I have been placed in this place, I might as well excel in it. More importantly, I need to find back the God-loving, excellence-seeking Chen Yang from those years ago.

What better than to do that surrounded by people who accepts your belonging amongst?

Each time I find myself recording another milestone here, pondering about what really went on between the previous post and this, then did it really occur to me the true reality of how quickly time passes when you're not paying attention.

Or was it because there was a flurry of activities that was packed in this period that I felt it was a relief to have it pass over?

Lets see, there was Chingay, and then the job stint at Hougang Pharmacy, and the NDP project. Then came involvement in NUS camps and Rag and everything else became a quick blur because everyday was packed full.

While I'm not inclined to think too much about the negative parts of them, but really, this period of time I made a whole lot of friends and found my social circle being flipped one round over. So much so that when it comes down to deciding which circle to totally commit to, there's the conflict of interest between the groups.

Ok, lets just put it that I'm the kind who wants the pie and eat some of it. Although now to think, I'm making a big mess of it for being not focussed on the important tasks at hand. It quite disappointing to find out that the best that you could give, was not adequate to ensure that things run, even more so knowing that its your heart you cant trust to take you to success. The very act of following the desires of your heart, leads to you becoming the jerk in the eyes of many.

But my intent is pure, I still want to be the good guy. But in this time and age, trying too hard to be that isnt reallly going to get you very far in society. I'm struggling to get over the past mistakes and not be overly concerned with the disapproving glares of others.

So in this start of a new term, a new segment in life, may it be that something meaningful will come out of this. A new kind of experience that promises yet more challenge and a whole lot more of adventure. Maybe then, somewhere, I will find it.

So i thought it be proper to write something down in this important crossroads in life.

Or so i think, save the fact that i'm next to worn out by the weeks and months of involvement in chingay. Not that i'm complaining though; it had been a monumental decision to sign up, but i guess what's different this time round is that now there's so much more than it meets the eye.

If anything learnt, I'll say, one should not take the small little things in each event for granted.

Oh wells, so it goes. My, what, near to 2 years of youth. Pooof, and its gone. What i got was a life changing experience, little thanks to the previous generations. Maybe i was inclined to be passive in this period, but always on the top of the list was to make this time worthwhile. No matter what i was supposed to do.

I feared, i passed, i endured, and i enjoyed this time. Not everything in life has to be gain afterall.

But what's in store for me in this next segment of life, it could be half a year lull, or it could mean the opportunity for another adventure. When i'm done with it, lets not be greedy alright. One step at a time.

God grant me the courage to meet these new challenges, and the opportunities not to be missed.

For now, Chingay comes. who has the heart to care about what ord?