I ran out of love.

I grumbled to God why is this so, and I don't understand his reply.

I only trust that He knows what's best, because I'm now lost somewhere between hanging on to faith and wondering why do I even bother. In the face of surmounting evidences and reasons indeed, but somehow I don't feel the urge from my heart to want to return.

Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I've tipped beyond the point of running on my own strength, and then realizing, perhaps I could just be allowed to do so on my own. Somewhere in my heart, I know its wrong, but I don't know how to remedy that. Its the kind of weakness you'll never want to admit. Not for the sake of ego and all i think.

Now this is so depressing stuff.

But for one moment, to be thankful for the things that have happened in life thus far. University is, wonderful. Maybe. Could be that the elation of the ending of the final exams is still settling in and that I find that life has a meaning once again now. Looking back, the friendships that budded seemingly out of nowhere, shows a promising light. Whereas those of the past seems to have taken a backseat a little, seeing that most of us are out there forging another world of our own.

The knowledge we gained, while awfully dreadful, is meant to serve a higher purpose after all. Certainly there are times I question my own resolve to maintain this path of study, at the very fundamental level of itself; I dislike math. But I love solving the problems. And all the more, I love being curious. And since I have been placed in this place, I might as well excel in it. More importantly, I need to find back the God-loving, excellence-seeking Chen Yang from those years ago.

What better than to do that surrounded by people who accepts your belonging amongst?